


give you my best side / tell you all my best lies

by fir8008



Series: give the bruises out like gifts [16]
Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Lies, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-08-29 03:12:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16736004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Kenta tells a lot of lies, and a lot of them catch up to him





	1. act i - babe i’m gonna ruin you if you let me stay

**Author's Note:**

> hi welcome to hell 
> 
> This is a wip I've been working on for a pretty long time and it has changed and morphed in many ways, planned and unplanned. A quick disclaimer about the inclusion of Kim Yongguk as a character (in light of recent events, this bothered me a lot, but I also apologize if this is an unnecessary thing to mention) - I began writing this fic at the end of July and by the time his controversies had been revealed I had written almost the majority of this fic (no less than 20k words) and though I tried to edit him out where I could, he is still in this fic. I do not support or condone the things he has been accused of, but for the purposes of the plot I created I couldn't make certain changes. This is a work of fiction and the likenesses of real people are not meant to be an accurate reflection of those people - they are fictionalized versions. I apologize again for writing this long disclaimer if people feel it unnecessary, but since it weighed on me a lot, I thought it safer to mention.
> 
> In regards to what this fic is actually about - will i ever leave this couple alone? nope, i love angst. This fic is rated for implied sexual content and language. 
> 
> I have been working on this for quite a while, so I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
>  
> 
> Fic title comes from Lorde's "Homemade Dynamite" 
> 
> Chapter title comes from Marina and the Diamonds' "I'm a Ruin"

Kenta decides that Sanggyun is annoying when they’re squashed in a booth at a little pub near the graduate center and Sanggyun is trying too hard to wheedle information out of Insoo. 

Sanggyun has always been annoying, but in a way that Kenta was always able to ignore. He was too flirty, too touchy; too indifferent to Kenta trying to turn him down without being rude. Sanggyun is Longguo’s friend, except Longguo denies that they’re friends, so Kenta has always felt the need to be polite to Sanggyun because Sanggyun seemed harmlessly flirtatious when they first met. 

Longguo is fun for Kenta to drink with because Longguo has a high alcohol tolerance and is a nice enough person to always stay sober and make sure Kenta gets home okay. Longguo is satisfied by one glass of baijiu and one beer at the international bar a few blocks away from the graduate center, unlike Kenta who likes to drink a lot even if he’s a very bad and sloppy drunk. Drinking with Longguo is nothing like drinking with Insoo, because Insoo is always hovering and trying to cut Kenta off, but at least Insoo carries him home and doesn’t complain about Kenta throwing up or dozing off. 

And Kenta certainly could not act the way he does with Longguo if he was with Insoo. 

Kenta doesn’t think he’s flirting with anyone - Longguo disagrees but Longguo doesn’t know the first thing about flirting - but Kenta doesn’t turn guys down when they offer to buy him drinks. The international bar is expensive because everything is imported, so Kenta doesn’t see anything wrong with taking advantage of a few guys to drink more for free. He doesn’t do anything with them, doesn’t even bother giving them fake numbers, he just gets drunk and giggly and a little bit mean and turns them away. For a few more insistent guys, Kenta has used Longguo as a prop, linking their arms together and that’s usually enough to stamp out their interest and they leave Kenta alone. 

But Sanggyun has never been like that. 

Kenta had been in the middle of downing the fruity cocktail someone bought him when he had felt a weight on his back and an arm around his shoulders. He’d looked and seen a handsome face and sly grin surprisingly not pointed at him. 

“Hey, Longguo, haven’t seen you in a bit. And you,” he had finally turned his grin on Kenta. “I’ve never seen you before.” 

“Never seen you either,” Kenta replied easily, tipping the rest of his drink down his throat. 

“My name’s Sanggyun. I’m a friend of Longguo’s.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Kenta fluttered his eyelashes. “I’m Kenta.” 

“Nice to meet you too. Do you want another one? On me.” 

Kenta had let Sanggyun buy him another drink, and let him invite Kenta to dance, and had danced with him up until he felt Sanggyun’s hands on his hips and his body coming way too close to his. 

“I think you’re getting too handsy,” Kenta said, pushing Sanggyun’s hands away from him. 

Sanggyun was still way too close to him, his mouth too close to Kenta’s ear. “I think your lips would look pretty wrapped around my cock.” 

Kenta scoffed, stepping away from Sanggyun. “My lips only look nice around my boyfriend’s cock.” 

Sanggyun nodded towards Longguo, still at the bar. “He’s your boyfriend?” 

“No, my boyfriend’s waiting at home.” 

Sanggyun had laughed at him. “You don’t really live up to expectations.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I heard about you before. I heard you were really easy.” 

Kenta shoved Sanggyun away from him. “Fuck you.” Kenta stormed back to the bar and tugged on Longguo’s shoulder. “I’m drunk, walk me home.” 

Kenta couldn’t figure out why on earth anyone would be out there spreading rumors that he was an easy lay. Sure, Kenta could be a little bit flirty, but he should really have the opposite reputation because he always turned people down. He never went home with anyone (other than Longguo) and he never snuck off to give bathroom blowjobs or have sex in someone’s car. And Kenta had a boyfriend. A boyfriend he loved very dearly, despite their rough patches. Kenta loved Insoo as intensely as Insoo loved him. 

“I don’t like your friend,” Kenta announced as Longguo was helping him up the stairs to his flat. 

“We’re not friends,” Longguo said. 

“Good,” Kenta sniffed. “I don’t want to hang out with him again. He’s mean.” 

“Good night, Kenta,” Longguo said as Kenta managed to get his key rightside up in the lock. 

Kenta had stumbled into the bathroom to throw up, feeling sicker because of Sanggyun and his words rather than from drinking too much, and Insoo had shuffled in a moment later, rubbing Kenta’s back. “You drank too much again, hyung,” he yawned. 

“Sorry,” Kenta had said, feeling miserable, but not because he threw up. He was wondering what he was doing to make people assume he was easy, and thinking of Insoo waiting for him like this, softly telling him to go to bed and not worry about the mess. “I’m really sorry,” Kenta repeats.

“You’re fine, hyung,” Insoo had rubbed Kenta’s back in small soothing circles but it only made Kenta feel worse and cough up more, thinking about the guys he’d let flirt with him that night and Sanggyun’s hot breath on his ear. 

Kenta had managed to avoid Sanggyun pretty well after that, only bumping into him occasionally when out with Longguo, and Sanggyun had been more pleasant and less flirtatious. Even so, Sanggyun was a convenient person to say was taking up his time when Kenta was trying to avoid telling Insoo how often he was seeing Donghan. And then afterwards Kenta really had started spending more time with Longguo and Sanggyun and Sanggyun had drunkenly recorded himself asking Insoo to come out drinking with them.

And that’s where Kenta finds himself, sitting in a too small booth with Sanggyun’s knees almost touching his beneath the table as Sanggyun keeps leaning over and smiling with too many teeth as he asks Insoo questions. 

“How did you two meet?” Sanggyun’s yelling over the too loud music. 

“Mutual friends,” Kenta answers before Insoo can, and he can feel Insoo’s eyes on him. Kenta can’t help it. It’s the lie he told Longguo ages ago, and it’s prettier than the truth. 

Sanggyun laughs. “What mutual friends did you have with a three year age gap?” 

“Soosoo took Japanese in high school,” Kenta says. 

Sanggyun is still laughing. “That doesn’t answer my question.” 

Kenta resists the urge to kick him under the table. “Why are you so interested? It’s not an interesting story.” 

Sanggyun shrugs. “Just trying to get to know your boyfriend a little better.”

Kenta takes a long sip of his beer so he doesn’t tell Sanggyun to back off. He doesn’t know why he feels this defensive, but maybe it’s because Sanggyun is acting like he’s snooping and Kenta doesn’t like that. 

Longguo gets them on a different topic by bitching about a guy he took home a few days ago. “He was nice but he wouldn’t stop talking. And now he won’t stop texting me.” 

“Shouldn’t have given him your number,” Kenta shrugs. 

“I did and it’s worse. My cats liked him.” Longguo sighs. “I’ll never get rid of him now.” 

“Maybe he won’t be so bad,” Insoo says. 

Longguo sighs again as Sanggyun leans across the table. “How many guys have you dated?” 

Insoo tilts his head towards Kenta. “Just him.” Kenta blinks at him. Insoo shrugs. “Sangbin and I didn’t date.” 

“Then was Kenta your first love?” Sanggyun asks. 

Insoo freezes slightly. “Well. No. But.” 

“This sounds more complicated than meeting because of mutual friends.” Sanggyun looks entirely too pleased by that. 

“What’s complicated about it?” Kenta snaps. “You can love someone without dating them.” 

“Well what about you? How many boyfriends did you have before Insoo?” 

Kenta suddenly feels very tongue tied and Insoo is sitting very still beside him. Kenta thinks he decides to hate Sanggyun at this moment, because he really is just mucking up everything without trying all that hard. He and Insoo had been doing so well, Kenta had even spent a month in Japan without anyone having a crisis bigger than missing each other a lot. 

“I don’t remember,” Kenta says, taking another long drink from his beer. 

“You lost count?” Sanggyun rubs it in. 

“No one was worth remembering,” Kenta barks. 

“Sounds like there was a lot,” Sanggyun is laughing but he’s the only one finding anything funny. 

“Who cares if there were a lot?” Insoo says quietly. “We’ve been together for a long time.” 

“Yeah? How long?” 

Kenta makes a big mistake because he says, “two years” at the same time Insoo says, “four years.” Longguo is glancing between them curiously and Sanggyun is looking entirely too gleeful. 

“Four years? How old did you say you were?” 

Insoo is in the middle of drinking so he can’t answer and Kenta scrambles. “It feels like much longer, doesn’t it?” 

Insoo is shaking his head instead of nodding. “I got all mixed up.”

Sanggyun is smiling, unconvinced, and Longguo looks like he’s thinking too hard. Kenta wants to hide under the floor. 

Kenta can’t leave the pub fast enough and has never been so happy to hear that Longguo really needs to go home to his cats because Tolbi had been coughing up hairballs and Kenta exclaims they can’t possibly carry on without him because Longguo was the life of the party (a lie exactly zero people, including Longguo himself believe) but Sanggyun doesn’t insist to the contrary so Kenta sags in relief as he and Insoo start walking home. 

“I’m sorry,” Insoo mumbles. 

“For what?” 

“Saying four years. I count from the beginning. From when we met. We must be getting closer to five, right? Guess I’m not really keeping track.” Insoo shrugs into his scarf. 

“I’m sorry for lying about how we met.” Kenta sighs. “I told Longguo that’s how we met when I first met him. I never told him any differently so I didn’t want to then.” 

Insoo shrugs again but Kenta knows that’s something Insoo is sensitive about.

“I didn’t know I was the only person you’ve dated,” Kenta says. 

“You are,” Insoo says.

“But not your first love.” 

“Woncheol was my first love.” 

Kenta bites his lip. Insoo rarely ever talks about Woncheol and hearing his name always makes Kenta feel a bit strange. He can tell Woncheol was someone a lot more special to Insoo than Sangbin was, and maybe Kenta is a little bit worried that Woncheol is still more special to Insoo than even he is. 

“Well, I guess I’ve never really talked about anyone I dated before…” 

“I didn’t ask for a reason,” Insoo cuts him off. Kenta shrinks slightly. “We both know how I am. I never asked because I know what I would end up thinking.” 

“Sorry,” Kenta says quietly. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Insoo says. “It’s just the way things are.” 

Kenta stops in his tracks. “Soosoo, I don’t want you to feel…” 

“Feel what?” Insoo snaps. “I’m sorry. It’s fine. Like I said, it’s how things are. If that’s what you told him however long ago it would be weird to change the story now.”

Kenta bites his lip to keep from apologizing again. It feels too tense between them now when things had been so easy for so long. Insoo had come so far from being the willful and obsessive boy that first caught Kenta’s eye and it was strange to see him looking like his old self now. 

“Sanggyun just likes to stir things up,” Kenta tries. “I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything bad.” 

Insoo shrugs. Kenta takes his hand and pushes his fingers between Insoo’s, stubbornly holding Insoo’s limp hand. Kenta sighs deeply. 

He really hates Sanggyun. 

 

Kenta knows it’s just a dream. It’s a recurring dream. And even though Kenta has had this dream over and over for months, it doesn’t make it any less scary. It never fails to make Kenta wake up in a cold sweat. 

“Are you okay?” Insoo asks him groggily when Kenta bolts upright in bed, gasping. “Kenta?” 

“I’m fine,” Kenta whispers as he lays back down uneasily. “Fine.” 

Insoo wraps his arm around Kenta’s waist. “It was just a dream, hyung. Was it the scary one?” 

“Yes.” Kenta sighs into Insoo’s side. 

“It’s still too scary to talk about?” 

Kenta squeezes his eyes shut. The first time, he’d woken up frantic and crying and Insoo had held him until he calmed down. Kenta couldn’t talk about it then, it had felt too real and Kenta had been deathly afraid if he put those words out into the universe they’d come back to him.

“Yes,” Kenta says uneasily. 

Insoo kisses his forehead. “It’s just a dream. It can’t hurt you now.” 

“You’re right,” Kenta whispers as Insoo snuggles closer to him. 

 

Kenta was sitting on Longguo’s couch, one of the cats sitting on his lap as he pressed his thumbs in his empty beer can to make a dent in it, when he first admitted it. 

“I cheated on Insoo.” 

Longguo choked on the sip of beer he was taking and haphazardly slammed it on his coffee table, scrambling for the remote on the couch and turning off the TV. 

“What? What the fuck? You can’t just say something like that so casually!” 

Kenta shrugged. “It’s true. I was cheating on him.” 

“Why?”

“I just liked someone too much. He liked me and I liked him too much. So I told him I couldn’t see him anymore. I was pretending that I wasn’t doing anything wrong but I was.” 

Longguo looked aghast. “What the hell is wrong with you?” 

Kenta winced. “I don’t know. When other guys express interest in me, I like it. I don’t want anything else, I don’t want sex, I just want them to pay attention to me.” 

Longguo laid back in his seat. “That’s so fucked up. I always thought it was messed up you flirt with everyone at the bar but I didn’t think you’d actually cheat.” 

“I didn’t sleep with him!” Kenta felt suddenly defensive.

“Cheating isn’t about sex,” Longguo snorted. “You just said you only want attention. You were probably having an emotional affair.” 

Kenta sighed and crushed his can. The cat jumped off his lap. “I know what a bad person I am. I know that.” 

“It’s not about being bad or not, it’s just. Stupid. You did something stupid.” Longguo scratched his head. “And you said you liked him, I guess more than the other guys who flirt with you.” 

“I know that. I feel terrible. Really terrible.” 

“Sure.” 

“What?” 

Longguo shrugged and picked up his beer. “Do you feel that terrible? You’ve been here with me and who knows what your boyfriend is thinking.” 

“He knows you,” Kenta said weakly. “He isn’t paranoid about you.” 

Longguo just shrugged and took a sip. “Your relationship is weird.” 

Kenta stared at his lap. 

“You used to tell me about how much you two fought and now it’s this. It doesn’t sound like it’s good for either of you.” 

Kenta squeezed his eyes shut, remembering sitting up all night uncontrollably shaking as Insoo’s phone rang and rang and rang and Kenta kept begging the air for Insoo to just come home so they’d stop fighting, remembering how exhausted and small Insoo looked when he said things that made Kenta feel like his insides were being shredded. 

“I know I’m a bad person,” Kenta said in a small voice. “I know how bad I am.” 

Longguo set down his beer again. “You just need to figure out if you really want to be with him. It sounds like you don’t want him.” 

 

Kenta has the dream again but when he wakes up Insoo’s not there and Kenta lays back and groans. Insoo had spent all of his winter break complaining about his thesis class being early in the morning. 

“I can’t watch you getting ready for work anymore,” he sulked. 

“That means I’ll be able to get ready twice as fast,” Kenta had teased.

Kenta rubs his face and shuffles into the shower. The cold water jolts him out of his stupor and he fumbles for the hot tap. Kenta sighs heavily. He doesn’t usually have that dream twice in one night, so he feels even more exhausted by it. He still feels tense by the time he gets to work and it’s always bad on winter mornings and the cafe is always busy. 

“You look tired,” Taemin comments when the morning rush finally dies down and Kenta sags against the counter. 

“Yeah,” Kenta replies. “Couldn’t sleep.” 

“I guess it wasn’t the enjoyable way of not sleeping.” 

“Unfortunately not. Insoo has earlier mornings than me now so we both go to bed pretty early.” 

“Well it’s a good thing we’re entitled to free coffee,” Taemin yawns. “We’ll need the boost by the lunch rush.” 

It’s around the lunch rush when Kenta spots a familiar face - it’s Hwanwoong, but he’s with a girl, a cute girl - so Kenta busies himself changing coffee filters while Taemin rings up Hwanwoong and the cute girl’s order. 

“Isn’t that one of your friends?” Taemin questions as they watch the girl slide their cake plates closer together so she can take a picture of them. 

“Yes, but I’ve never seen him with a girl so I figured I wouldn’t chat him up.” Kenta replies.

“It’s definitely a date. He paid for both of them.” Taemin nods. 

“They’d make a cute couple. I hope it works out.” Kenta comments watching the girl smile at Hwanwoong and Hwanwoong smile sheepishly back. 

 

Kenta collapses into bed when he gets home, groaning at the emptiness of the apartment. He had a few missed calls from Insoo and a text explaining Insoo was staying on campus late and to not wait up too long for him. 

Kenta eats by himself and makes a plate for Insoo to leave in the fridge. He clicks through his coursework and texts Longguo about meeting in the library at the end of the week to review together. It’s too quiet and Kenta curls up in bed, feeling tired, but not wanting to sleep. He’s not used to it yet, but this is what the next few months are going to be like, with Insoo constantly at school and Kenta having more free time than ever. 

Kenta buries his face in Insoo’s pillow and lets himself doze off, only stirring again when he feels Insoo sliding into bed on top of him. 

“It’s so nice coming home to you,” Insoo groans, kissing Kenta’s cheek. “I’m so tired.” 

Kenta wraps his arms around Insoo and snuggles closer to him. Insoo still smells sweaty. “I missed you.” 

“I’m so sore,” Insoo groans. “I should’ve been working out over the winter. I gained weight and didn’t do anything about it.” 

“You’re still so handsome,” Kenta offers. 

“Mm, you’re supposed to think I’m handsome.” 

“Do you want to take a bath?” 

“Sure.” 

Kenta slides out from under Insoo and pulls him along to their bathroom, Insoo draping himself over Kenta as Kenta starts filling their tub with water. 

“What are you already working so hard on?” Kenta asks.

“None of us talked about what our thesis was going to be so I kind of figured the three of us were going to do something together but we’re not. Hwanwoong’s a double major so he’s doing something else and Eunki was already working on his so I went and screwed myself by not thinking about it.”

“I saw Hwanwoong at the cafe today,” Kenta says as Insoo slips into the tub and reaches for Kenta to join him. “He was with a cute girl.” 

“A girl?” Insoo’s eyes blink open. “Oh, he’s such a pain in the ass.” 

“Hmm?” 

“He made such a big fuss because he claims I embarrassed him in front of this girl who works in the library’s coffee station but she still gave him her number and now they even went out on a date.” Insoo rolls his eyes. “He’s such a drama queen.” 

“They looked really good together.” 

“I know, that’s why I told her to give him a chance.” 

“I feel like you did that in a very abrasive way.” Kenta giggles. 

“I was perhaps a bit forceful and maybe insulted Hwanwoong a bit…” 

Kenta starts laughing and Insoo smiles sheepishly. 

“He should still be thanking me.” Insoo mumbles against Kenta’s hair, nuzzling the top of his head. 

Kenta lets Insoo mumble about nothing in particular for a while until he can tell Insoo is starting to doze off.

“The water’s getting cold,” Kenta rises and pulls Insoo up with him. “Let’s dry off and go to bed.” 

Insoo is soft and pliable when he’s sleepy so Kenta helps him towel off but can’t do much when Insoo stubbornly falls back into bed naked. Kenta pulls on his pajamas and lets Insoo spoon him, snoring softly in his ear. 

 

Insoo was laying on his side when Kenta came back to the too big love motel bed. 

“Where were you?” he asked, his voice tinged with worry.

“Toilet,” Kenta replied, sliding back under the covers. 

Insoo instantly slid closer to him and gathered Kenta back into his arms, clearly relieved. “Oh.” 

Kenta smiled at Insoo softly. He hadn’t looked all that different from the Insoo that Kenta had left. Broader, taller, maybe, and his nose was pierced. But Insoo had still been very much the same. It hadn’t taken much to push Insoo’s buttons, hadn’t taken much to get them both into bed, panting as they feverishly made love, touching each other for the first time after far too long. Kenta had been aching for him, missing Insoo’s haughtiness and fire after too much time. 

Insoo had gripped his shoulders and held him at arm’s length very suddenly, making Kenta look into his eyes. 

“Is this real?” Insoo’s smoldering gaze was betrayed by his shaking voice. “Is it real this time? Do I get to keep you?” 

Kenta had blinked in the face of that kind of desperation, the kind of desperation that made his mouth go dry. “Yes,” he answered hoarsely. “Yes, it’s real.” 

“I love you,” Insoo said, his eyes welling up with tears. “I love you so much. I missed you every day.” 

“I love you too, Insoo,” Kenta said as Insoo pulled him closer, burying his face in his shoulder. 

“I couldn’t bear it if you left me again,” Kenta could barely hear Insoo’s words muffled against his shoulder, but he did. Kenta wasn’t sure if that was something he was meant to hear anyway, so he just hugged Insoo tighter. 

 

Kenta wakes up to Insoo yanking the covers off him and the cold air that hits his exposed body. 

“It’s so fucking cold,” Insoo yelps. “My balls feel like ice cubes.” 

“I told you not to sleep naked,” Kenta yawns.

“Hyung, I’m so cold,” Insoo whines as he digs clothes out of his dresser. “I could have frozen to death.” 

“Come over here and I’ll warm you up.” Kenta smirks at the way Insoo’s head snaps up. 

Insoo groans. “Hyung, don’t tempt me like that.” 

“Like what?” Kenta asks teasingly. 

“I’m already running late,” Insoo whines. 

“Mm, that’s too bad,” Kenta rolls over and stretches. 

Insoo sighs and pulls Kenta out of bed. “We can fool around in the shower,” he says, glancing at Kenta hopefully. 

Kenta mouths over Insoo’s collarbones as Insoo gasps into the hot steam of the shower, his hand working Insoo quickly, Insoo cursing softly under his breath. It’s not really enough, because it only makes Kenta want Insoo more, but Insoo is running late, and it’s only enough to touch each other like this before Insoo is hastily toweling off. Kenta sighs and keeps fussing over Insoo’s hair as Insoo hops into his clothes. 

“You’re going to catch a cold,” Kenta chides. 

Insoo catches him in a kiss before pulling away. “I’ll be late again.” 

“I have class tonight too.” 

“Bye, hyung.” 

“Bye, Soosoo.” 

Kenta goes to work and helps Taemin with the morning and lunch rushes and sets up Seonho for the evening before leaving to go to his class. Longguo is already there, doodling in his notebook as Kenta sits next to him. 

“Hey,” Longguo says, though he barely glances up from his doodles. 

“Hello,” Kenta sighs. “Why is it still cold in here?” 

“Someone left the window open.” 

Kenta pulls his jacket tighter around him as the lecture goes on, taking notes and paying attention even though Longguo looks like he’s napping on his textbook. Longguo stirs awake by the end of the lecture and Kenta laughs. 

“Do you need to borrow my notes?”

“Probably. Do you want to grab a drink?”

“Sure.” 

Something feels a bit off because they go back to the pub they went to with Insoo and Sanggyun and Longguo looks a little too focused when he sets down Kenta’s beer in front of him. Kenta doesn’t know why he feels nervous. 

“You lied to me,” Longguo says flatly. Kenta chokes. “You lied about how you met your boyfriend. Why?” 

“How did you know I lied?” Kenta stutters, forgetting to deny lying. 

“He said you’ve dated for four years.” 

“We’ve known each other for five years,” Kenta amends. “We’ve been together for almost three years now. The first two years were complicated.” 

“You’re still lying to me,” Longguo says tightly. 

“I didn’t want to tell you the truth because it’s complicated. It was easier to lie. We just met, I didn’t want you to think I was a weird person.” Kenta says quickly. 

“You still haven’t told me the truth.” 

Kenta licks his lips nervously. “You haven’t worked it out yourself yet?” 

Longguo looks at him. Kenta feels like Longguo is staring right through him. Then he shrugs. “I always thought your relationship was strange. I guess it’s stranger than I thought.” 

Kenta feels uncomfortable, and it’s not because his beer made him gassy, so he and Longguo part ways after the one drink. Kenta isn’t sure why Longguo seems so disappointed in him. Kenta knows he lied, but he lied because he had felt ashamed of the way he and Insoo met and the way their relationship began. It was more convenient and prettier to just lie, and Longguo had never questioned it before. Kenta bites his lip, thinking about Sanggyun’s needling questions and the look on Longguo’s face as he had put two and two together. 

Kenta still feels uncomfortable when he gets home and paces around the apartment until Insoo gets home. Kenta jumps into his arms and Insoo grunts as he catches him. 

“Hello to you too,” Insoo says as Kenta begins to kiss his neck. “What’s got you so riled up?” 

“I’ve been wanting you all day,” Kenta says, grinding down against Insoo. “The shower this morning wasn’t enough. I want it rough and dirty right now.” 

“Let me put down my things?” Insoo laughs a little breathlessly. 

“Don’t make me wait too long,” Kenta purrs. 

“Never,” Insoo says and Kenta smiles. 

 

Kenta leaned against the doorframe of their bedroom, cocking out his hip in an alluring pose. “How do I look?” 

Insoo had dropped the shirt he was holding. “No.” 

Kenta pushed himself off the doorframe to twirl. “You don’t like it?” 

“No!” Insoo stammered emphatically as he picked up his shirt. “No, I don’t!” 

Kenta pouted, smoothing out his miniskirt. “Really? I picked this costume out just for you.” 

“You are half naked!” Insoo sputtered. “It’s October!” 

Kenta pouted more, sauntering towards Insoo. “Don’t you think I look good?” 

“I do not!” 

Kenta rested his hands on Insoo’s waist, dolefully looking up at him and fluttering his lashes. “Don’t you think I look pretty like this? Doesn’t it remind you of the first time we met?” 

“You look too nice,” Insoo huffed. “If you go out looking like this you’re going to be the center of attention.” 

Kenta wedged his knee between Insoo’s legs, slowly pushing it up higher. “Does that bother you?” he breathed, drinking in the way Insoo tensed as his knee brushed against his crotch. “You know I’m not looking at anyone but you. You’re the only one I want.” 

“I know,” Insoo sighed, resting his hands on Kenta’s hips. “But do you really have to wear something so skimpy?” 

“Don’t worry,” Kenta said, sinking his teeth into Insoo’s lower lip. “I promise I’ll be good.” 

Kenta was not remotely well behaved that night, flirting quite shamelessly with anyone who showed the barest interest in him and drinking himself sick and running around almost losing Insoo several times in the crowd. Kenta found Donghan in that crowd, draped himself over Donghan’s shoulder and was a little too forward, even with Insoo’s arms around his waist. 

“Do you want to bite me?” Kenta had laughed a bit at how tense that made Donghan. “You can’t, my boyfriend is looking.” 

Insoo carried him home after that, the alcohol beginning to swirl unhappily in Kenta’s stomach so by the time they got home Kenta was already hurrying off to the bathroom to throw up, almost missing the bowl. 

“Hyung, why are you always such a mess?” Insoo sighed, rubbing his back. “I told you so many times to slow down.”

“Sorry,” Kenta had finally felt like he was back on earth, the high of the night wearing off. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, hyung,” Insoo was always so nice to him even when Kenta was being a drunk nuisance like this. 

Kenta flopped down onto their bed as Insoo was cleaning the bathroom, too drunk to want to change out of his costume. He heard Insoo return to their room and felt Insoo’s hands on the waistband of his skirt. 

“Soosoo, are you undressing me?” 

“Yeah, I’m going to put you in pajamas.” 

Kenta rolled over so Insoo could unzip his skirt and slide it off. Insoo choked at the sight of what Kenta was hiding under his skirt. 

“Were you wearing that the whole time?” 

Kenta eased himself up on his knees, pushing his ass into the air in case Insoo hadn’t already gotten an eyeful of his lace panties. “Yes,” he laughed. “Do you like it?” 

“No!” 

“No?” Kenta looked over his shoulder and pouted. “I bought these thinking about you. I was thinking about you pulling them off of me.” He felt Insoo’s fingers sliding beneath the waistband and him pulling them now. Kenta exhaled heavily. “Soosoo.”

“I’m taking them off so you can wear something more comfortable.” 

Kenta pushed his hips up higher. “Insoo, I want you to fuck me.” 

“You’re drunk.” 

“Please, Insoo, I want it. I want you.” 

“Not when you’re drunk. Let’s go to sleep.” 

“I’ll sleep better if you fuck me,” Kenta protested as Insoo flipped him onto his back. “You’re already throwing me around and tearing off my clothes.” 

Insoo sighed as he pulled Kenta’s shirt off. “Sorry, hyung, I just cleaned up your puke. I’m not turned on right now.” 

Kenta pouted. “But I want you.” 

“Not now,” Insoo kissed his forehead. “Let’s go to sleep.” 

Kenta tried to squirm and rub himself against Insoo as Insoo wrestled him into boxers but eventually sleep won out and Kenta curled up in Insoo’s arms and fell asleep. 

When Kenta woke up he was still thinking about wanting Insoo so even though his head was pounding he slid out of bed and into the kitchen where Insoo was making coffee. 

“Morning,” Insoo said. “What do you want to eat?” 

Kenta slid his hand down the front of Insoo’s stomach, sliding down further until he was cupping the front of Insoo’s pants. “This,” Kenta breathed into Insoo’s ear. “I want this.” 

“Kenta,” Insoo sounded flustered, but he turned around for Kenta to slide to his knees. 

“Can I? I’ve wanted you since last night.” Kenta asked, already tracing the waistband of Insoo’s sweatpants. Insoo nodded and Kenta pushed Insoo’s sweats and briefs down just enough to swallow him, Insoo hissing and pushing his hips forward. 

“Kenta!”

Kenta took Insoo all the way down his throat, unconsciously feeling pride when he heard Insoo’s sharp intake of breath and felt Insoo’s hand holding the back of his head. Kenta looked up through his lashes to see Insoo panting, his head thrown back at such an enticing angle, making Kenta want so much more, so he tried to swallow Insoo down even further until Insoo was pulling his hair and keening. 

 

Kenta has the dream again, and he wakes up elbowing Insoo in the ribs. 

“Ow!” Insoo groans. “Hyung, you already wore me out, why are you hitting me too?”

“Sorry,” Kenta murmurs. 

“You had the dream again? Is it still too scary to talk about?” Insoo blinks at him. 

Kenta curls up closer in Insoo’s arms. “It’s too scary to say,” he whispers. “I’m afraid if I say it, it will happen.” 

“It’s just a dream,” Insoo says reassuringly. “Just a dream.” 

Kenta knows that intellectually, but he can’t help but be gripped by terror each time he has it. 

 

Kenta does not ask Sanggyun to sit with him in the dining hall when Kenta is sitting by himself. Longguo isn’t sitting with him, but Kenta doesn’t even know why Longguo’s still being weird, or if Sanggyun knows that’s basically his fault. 

“I liked your boyfriend,” Sanggyun says and Kenta feels a spike of possessiveness run through him. “It was fun, the four of us should hang out again.” 

“Sure,” Kenta says, voice clipped. As far as he’s concerned Sanggyun can fuck off and die for all the trouble he’s already caused, and Kenta isn’t remotely interested in spending more time socializing with him. 

Sanggyun’s smiling at him. “Where’s Longguo?” 

“Don’t know. Maybe he’s studying for once.” Kenta shrugs. 

Sanggyun’s smile is beginning to annoy him. “So you and your boyfriend met through mutual friends?”

Kenta doesn’t even bother trying to be nice. “We told you that the first time you asked.” 

“Yes, but you were definitely lying.” 

Kenta’s temper starts simmering. “Who said I was lying?” 

Sanggyun props his chin up on the heel of his palm. “It’s just obvious. I’m sure it’s some very naughty story. It’s okay. You can tell me.” 

“There’s nothing to tell you.” Kenta snaps. “I don’t care if you don’t believe me.” 

Sanggyun laughs. “If you just played it cool or had a more believable lie it would be easier for people to drop it. You’re so pissed off about me asking, there’s definitely something more.” 

“Why do you care?” Kenta asks. “Why does it matter to you?” 

“I’m just curious. You really don’t want to talk about it, so I’m sure it’s something salacious and dirty.” 

Kenta kind of wants to slap the smirk off of Sanggyun’s face. “It’s really none of your business.” 

“I know,” Sanggyun says. “But we’re friends; I’m curious.” 

“We are not friends,” Kenta snaps. “We are not friends and I don’t owe you explanations about anything.” Kenta stands up, his chair loudly scraping the floor. “Don’t talk to me.” 

Sanggyun looks amused and it’s making Kenta more and more furious. “I think you’re going to tell me eventually,” he sing songs. 

“Fuck off,” Kenta hisses. 

 

Despite Kenta really, really not wanting to have anything to do with Sanggyun, he has a hard time coming up with a reason why he doesn’t want to go when Insoo says Sanggyun texted him asking to go hang out in a bar with Longguo. He doesn’t really want to tell Insoo about Longguo being mad at him for lying, and doesn’t want to talk about Sanggyun’s obnoxious comments about waiting expectantly for Kenta to just spill the beans. Kenta doesn’t know what to do when he feels so persecuted for no reason, and it’s more aggravating when Sanggyun decides to talk Insoo’s ear off at the bar and Kenta doesn’t really want to chime in. Longguo’s also being rather quiet and is looking at his phone and nursing his beer more than he’s paying attention to the conversation. Kenta would really like to do the same instead of listen to Sanggyun and Insoo chattering about something they both like. 

“I’m going to get another drink,” Kenta says to no one in particular and weaves his way back to the bar. 

He orders the strongest drink they make, ignoring the bemused expression on the bartender’s face as she starts pouring things into the shaker. 

“That’s strong stuff,” someone says behind him. “Are you sure you can handle that?” 

Kenta glances over his shoulder to see a guy casually trying to not lean over him. He’s smiling widely. 

“I’m sure,” Kenta says coolly. 

“You’re cute,” he says. “Let me pay?” 

Kenta shrugs his shoulders delicately and the guy laughs, and still has the bartender swipe his card. 

“What’s your name?” he asks, turning his smile back on Kenta, but Kenta isn’t in the mood to flirt. 

“Sorry,” Kenta says, taking his drink. “My boyfriend is looking for me.” 

The guy barks out a laugh. “So you’re like that.” 

“Like what?” Kenta asks as he walks away. He downs half his drink on the short walk to their table so it hits him very suddenly as he purposely plops down on Insoo’s lap. 

“And then I - oof! Hyung!” Insoo says as Kenta makes himself comfortable on his lap. 

“Soosoo,” Kenta simpers, resting his head against Insoo’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to get back in your seat?” Insoo asks. 

“I like this seat better,” Kenta replies, taking another long sip from his drink. 

Insoo takes Kenta’s drink and sniffs it. “Hyung, this smells like floor cleaner. How strong is this?” 

Kenta ignores him and curls up closer to him. Insoo sighs and slides him off of his lap. Kenta pouts but goes back to his drink, ignoring the way Longguo is looking at him and the way Sanggyun is smirking. 

Kenta plays a little bit more drunk than he is and Insoo piggybacks him home, Kenta tightly gripping his shoulders. He wobbles into their bedroom and flops down on their bed. Insoo sighs and strokes his hair affectionately. Kenta nuzzles up into Insoo’s hand and Insoo pets his hair until he falls asleep. 

 

When Kenta came home from Korea the first and basically only thing his friends wanted to know was if Kenta had met anyone and if he had left a boyfriend in Korea. Kenta had laughed along with them and said that of course he hadn’t, even as his phone was constantly buzzing with texts from Insoo. It wasn’t a lie. Kenta had tried ending things with Insoo more than once when he discovered Insoo had been lying about his age but Kenta hadn’t been able to shake Insoo when Insoo was so persistent. 

On weaker days, Insoo’s desperation verged on endearing - no one had ever chased Kenta like this before. But usually, Insoo’s texts made Kenta sigh somewhere between exasperation and pity. Maybe it was Kenta’s fault for not doing due diligence and asking questions before having sex with a stranger, but Kenta had been lied to so even if he had the wherewithal to ask, Insoo still would have lied. 

Kenta got caught in a lie that wasn’t his when one of his friends asked - with a poorly concealed smile - if he hadn’t met anyone, why was a Korean phone number sending nasty messages about staying away from Kenta, because Kenta had a boyfriend. Kenta had been taken aback but he said it must be a mistake and to ignore the messages, even though he knew it was Insoo. It made Kenta more determined to move on from Insoo’s childish desperation, so maybe Kenta was a little more irresponsible than usual when he went out. Kenta found himself in some compromising position more often than not, on his knees or on someone’s lap, but nothing ever felt right. It was frustrating. Kenta wanted to move on, but his body still remembered Insoo and it still wanted Insoo, and so no one felt right. And Kenta had to admit he really did want Insoo, even though he lied, even though he proved himself more and more juvenile every time they crossed paths. Kenta still wanted him badly. Kenta wanted him so badly Insoo was ruining other men for him. 

There was no one like him. 

 

Kenta wakes up in a cold sweat again, the last remnants of his dream still clinging to him. He groans and rolls onto his side, covering his face with his hands. Insoo rolls over and Kenta can feel his weight on his back.

“Should you go see someone about this?” Insoo asks him softly. “You’ve been having these dreams more often.”

“What would seeing someone do?” Kenta asks weakly. 

“You might find out what’s causing them.” Insoo sighs. “I just wish I knew what you were afraid of.” 

“You don’t,” Kenta whispers. “You really don’t.”

 

“Can I tell you something that will make you hate me more?” 

Kenta glares at Sanggyun. Sanggyun invited himself to sit with Kenta again and was smirking in such a way that Kenta knows that Sanggyun is going to say whatever he was planning to anyway. 

“You’re just going to tell me anyway,” Kenta huffs as he turns a page in his textbook.

Sanggyun is gazing at him intensely but Kenta is used to people staring so it doesn’t ruffle his feathers as much as he’s sure Sanggyun wants. 

Sanggyun smirks. “I jerked myself off thinking about you riding your boyfriend.” 

Kenta scowls at him. “I’m sure you’re going to tell me why you did that too.” 

“You were sitting on his lap. I just figured you probably fuck in that position.”

“Let me guess,” Kenta sneers. “You think I’m going to tell you because we’re friends, right?” 

“Well, it would nice if you told me.” 

“I already told you to fuck off,” Kenta shuts his textbook. 

“I could always ask your boyfriend.” 

“Like he would tell you something like that,” Kenta snorts as he gathers his things. Actually, Insoo would be likely to answer Sanggyun since Insoo likes telling his friends about his sex life, if only to shock and annoy them. 

“Well,” Sanggyun has a very oily smile. “Your boyfriend told me and Longguo about how you met.” 

That makes Kenta stop short and Sanggyun looks pleased by his reaction. “You’re full of shit,” Kenta tries to say calmly, stuffing his textbook into his bag. 

“It wasn’t nearly as scandalous or dirty as I thought,” Sanggyun muses. Kenta wishes he could walk away. “But it still proved you lied.” 

“Why do you care if I lied?” Kenta snaps. “I understand why Longguo is mad, but why do you care? You don’t even know me.” Kenta licks his lips. “Anyway, how do you know Insoo wasn’t lying too? He might have made something up so you’d stop asking stupid questions.” 

Sanggyun is still infuriatingly smiling. “Oh, I don’t think your boyfriend would make up those kinds of lies about you.”

Kenta needs to leave at that point so he doesn’t explode. He knows Sanggyun is just pushing his buttons because clearly he’s getting a reaction from Kenta but there’s a tiny nagging part of him that really worries Insoo did tell them everything when Kenta wasn’t yet willing to own up to it. 

He’s still shaking with aggravation when he gets to the cafe for the night shift and Seonho promptly abandons the homework he was doing behind the counter to hover over him. 

“Hyung, are you okay? You look upset.” Seonho says, draping his tall frame over Kenta’s. 

“I’m fine,” Kenta replies, smiling at him. “Just stress from school.” 

Seonho groans understandingly. “I have so many things to do and I have basketball practice and I work here most evenings and then I have homework and exams and…” 

Kenta feels calmer listening to Seonho babbling. “Just wait until you have to pay bills,” he says and Seonho groans louder. Kenta laughs and pats Seonho’s head affectionately. “Aren’t you glad you work here and you can take home what’s leftover at the end of the night?” 

“It’s always muffins,” Seonho sulks. “I’m waiting for the day there’s still a whole cake left at the end of the night.” 

Kenta can’t help but laugh at that. 

It’s a slow night. Seonho sits behind the counter doing homework while Kenta cleans up. Kenta perks up when the cute girl Hwanwoong was with before comes in, though by herself, and orders two coffees.

“Long night studying?” Kenta asks sympathetically as he rings up her order. 

“Yes,” she replies, smiling softly. “For you too?” 

“Very long,” Kenta says. “Good luck with your studies.”

“Thanks, have a good night.” Kenta thinks she has a pretty smile, and hopes the second coffee is for Hwanwoong. 

Much to Seonho’s dismay there isn’t leftover cake at the end of the night so he sulks while Kenta divides the leftovers (mainly muffins, as Seonho feared). Kenta trudges home, feeling more tired than usual and growing nervous thinking about needing to ask Insoo what he said to Sanggyun and Longguo, if he said anything at all. 

The apartment is still empty so Kenta changes into his pajamas and makes himself some instant noodles. Insoo calls him while the noodles are cooking. 

“Hyung,” Insoo’s voice sounds tired. “I’m going to sleep at Hwanwoong’s.” 

“Why?” Kenta asks, startled. Insoo always comes home, except for that one night when Kenta stayed awake calling him frantically. 

“I’m too tired to drive,” Insoo yawns. “I’m fine, hyung. I’m just tired.”

“Okay,” Kenta says. “Okay.” 

“Hyung, are you sure?” 

“Yes,” Kenta tries to keep his voice from betraying the fact that he’s suddenly shaking. “I’m sure. Get some sleep.” 

“I love you, hyung.” Insoo says softly. 

“I love you too, Soosoo.” Kenta hangs up. He’s shaking for no reason. There’s nothing to be anxious about. Insoo loves him. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Kenta takes deep breaths. 

Kenta reminds himself that he’s the one who cheated and Insoo never would.


	2. act ii - i’m a mess (but i’m the mess that you wanted)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: wow nothing happened last chapter  
> also me: why is so much happening in this chapter
> 
> Please hold on for the ride, and enjoy! 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter title comes from Taylor Swift's "Dancing With Our Hands Tied"

There was something magnetic about Insoo from the first time they met. 

Kenta was very used to guys hitting on him and trying to coax him into bed but there was something so attractive about the clumsy and unrefined way Insoo was trying to come onto him. His inexperience was dripping off of him but Kenta had found that interesting. Insoo was nothing if not stupidly self-confident to come over and put his hand on Kenta’s knees and call him beautiful without any other tricks. Maybe Kenta had liked that so much it had blinded him to Insoo’s young face and overeager sexual responses. Maybe Kenta had already convinced himself some people had young looking faces and were less sexually experienced than others. Maybe Kenta was flattered and curious by Insoo continuing to linger even after their tryst was over, or maybe the sex was just too good for Kenta to discard Insoo like other hookups. 

Insoo told him that he was nineteen and on a gap year between high school and university. Kenta hadn’t seen any reason for Insoo to lie, so he never questioned anything. Insoo said he lived with friends and only ever wanted to stay in Kenta’s apartment having sex and cuddling. Kenta never minded that either, because he liked sleeping with Insoo. 

Kenta had found out Insoo was lying because of the way they haphazardly tore off each other’s clothes. Kenta had been picking up Insoo’s discarded clothes while Insoo was snoring in his bed when it happened. Insoo’s wallet had fallen out of the back pocket of his jeans. Kenta stooped to pick it, the clear plastic sleeve holding his ID was looking him in the face and Kenta looked back. 

Kenta froze. He smoothed his thumb of the plastic, sure it was a trick of the light. He pulled the ID out to really look at it. He read Insoo’s birthdate. And read it again. And read it ten times. Then it hit him. 

Kenta had been fucking a high school kid. 

Kenta couldn’t even figure out what he felt. All he knew was that he needed Insoo out of his bed, out of his flat, and definitely out of his life. He was disgusted with himself, but he also felt enraged and betrayed. He didn’t know what to do. Kenta decided to just cut Insoo out of his life and pretend it never happened. He couldn’t believe he had done something so wrong. He was an adult. Insoo was still a teenager. 

Kenta had slipped when they were both caught in the rain. He let Insoo walk him home and let him come back inside and didn’t make him leave. He let things go too far, unable to resist when Insoo had kissed him because if Kenta was honest he had missed Insoo. If Kenta was scarily honest, he knew he had fallen in love with Insoo too. So it was hard to push him away but Kenta knew he had to. Insoo was just too young. He wasn’t even close to graduating. 

Even so, Kenta hadn’t been able to keep from telling Insoo that he loved him.

 

Kenta wakes up in a cold sweat, momentarily bewildered by the emptiness of the bed before remembering Insoo hadn’t slept at home. He sighs and sinks down further into the mattress, hugging Insoo’s pillow. Insoo had suggested seeing someone to find out why he was dreaming, but Kenta knew why. 

He’d started having the dreams before he went back to Japan. He figured they were anxiety related because he and Insoo hadn’t been apart like this in a long time, and certainly not after Kenta had cheated on him. As much as Kenta and Insoo had been actively repairing their relationship, it stressed Kenta to think of Insoo worrying about Kenta possibly cheating on him when he was home.

Kenta knew they had to talk about it but he’d been wracked with fear at the prospect of it. Things had been going so well and part of Kenta hadn’t wanted to jeopardize that by bringing up the past. But he knew he had to, because talking was what made things better between them. 

Kenta had begun inelegantly. He didn’t want to beat around the bush. 

“I cheated on you,” Kenta said and Insoo’s head had snapped up, confusion and fear all over his face. “Before, with Donghan.” Insoo had still looked at him warily. 

“I know,” Insoo said. 

“I cheated on you,” Kenta repeats, grabbing the edge of their kitchen counter for support. “But you forgave me. Why did you forgive me?” 

“You told me you wanted to try making things right,” Insoo answered. “That’s why.” 

“How could you forgive me?” Kenta started shaking. 

“Did you not want me to forgive you?” 

“Of course I did. I was desperate for your forgiveness. But why did you give it to me? After the way I violated your trust?” 

“I love you,” Insoo said. “I love you and I wanted to make things right between us.” 

“Is that it?” 

Insoo frowned. “What do you mean? Of course that’s it.” 

Kenta didn’t know why it was bothering him so much. He had been desperate for Insoo to forgive him after Insoo admitted he had thought about ending things. Insoo had always been the one chasing him and Kenta knew how badly he had screwed up for Insoo to be willing to give up the chase. What had worried Kenta more was Insoo throwing himself away for Kenta’s affection. Kenta had felt like he was being torn apart watching Insoo say the things he did. 

“I’m afraid of what I’ve done to you,” Kenta admitted, still clinging to the counter for support. “I’m afraid that I might have scarred you so badly that… that…” 

“Hyung, what are you talking about?” 

“I’m homesick,” Kenta blurted. “I want to go home. But I am afraid to go because I’ve been unfaithful and I am afraid that you won’t have any peace if I leave.” 

“I trust you,” Insoo said softly. “You can go home if you want to, I’d never want to keep you from seeing your family and your friends.” 

“If I were you,” Kenta could feel his knees buckling. “I wouldn’t be able to trust me. I probably wouldn’t have forgiven me.” 

Insoo looked at him. “I love you, hyung. You love me too. I trust you enough that if you didn’t really want me, or didn’t want to fix things, that you would have ended things with me that day.” 

Kenta’s knees had buckled. He had barely been able to stay on his feet. The dreams had started that night. It had been so terrifyingly real and Kenta had a hard time calming down even with Insoo holding him and telling him it was just a dream. 

Oddly enough, Kenta hadn’t dreamed when he was in Japan. Maybe he was too tired or maybe his brain was working too hard trying to remember how to speak Japanese but he didn’t dream at all. For the first few days he was back in Korea his dreamless state continued. And then the night before Insoo resumed his classes, it started again and hadn’t let up. 

Kenta hugs Insoo’s pillow tighter to his chest. He knows it’s just a dream, but the intensity and frequency keep increasing and Kenta is afraid of what that could mean. 

 

Kenta oversleeps and rushes into work, feeling scatterbrained and all over the place. The lack of restful sleep is getting the better of him so he just tries to not get in people’s ways. 

“Are you alright?” Taemin asks when they finally have a lull. “You look terrible.” 

“I barely slept,” Kenta replies, rubbing his face. He couldn’t close his eyes without dreaming and without Insoo there, the night had felt endless. 

“Is something bothering you?” Taemin sounds concerned. 

“I’ve been having this recurring dream,” Kenta says vaguely. 

Taemin nods at his answer. “I guess that would bother you and make it hard to sleep.” 

Kenta smiles weakly, thankful that Taemin doesn’t have probing questions. Kenta has a cup of coffee and relaxes as the day progresses. He smiles brightly for the cute girl when she comes in again, earlier this time, and buys two muffins and an iced coffee. 

“You’re diligent,” Kenta jokes with her. 

“You too,” she says. “You were here so late last night.” 

“Our staff is small,” Kenta explains. “One of our part timers is still in high school so he can’t do the mornings.” 

She nods understandingly and thanks him as she leaves. Kenta still hopes she and Hwanwoong will become official in the event they’re thinking about dating at all. 

Kenta goes to his evening class and acts like he doesn’t care that Longguo is still being frosty with him. If Insoo allegedly told him the truth, what’s there to be mad about now? Kenta goes straight home and sighs at its emptiness. He’s too lazy to cook so he makes himself another instant noodle as he sits down to do his class reading. He highlights passages that he isn’t even sure are important because he just has a need to busy himself. His body is tired but he doesn’t want to sleep until Insoo comes home. If he comes home. Kenta is beginning to worry Insoo will sleep out again. 

Thankfully Insoo comes home an hour later and crushes Kenta is a big hug. 

“I missed you,” Insoo sighs against him. “Even if it was one night, I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Kenta whimpers. “Don’t tire yourself out so much you can’t come home to me.” Kenta lowers his eyes. “I had that dream and I was alone.” 

Insoo gives him a squeeze. “I’ll pay attention to my body next time.” 

Kenta nuzzles against the side of Insoo’s neck. “I’m happy you’re home.” 

“Me too,” Insoo kisses his cheek happily. 

Kenta forgets to ask about what Sanggyun said until they’re getting ready to go to sleep. 

“Soosoo,” Kenta says carefully. Insoo looks up from pulling on his sleep shirt. “Did you tell Sanggyun and Longguo how we met the other night at the bar?” 

“Yes,” Insoo confirms.

Kenta opens his mouth, about to protest when Insoo cuts him off. 

“I didn’t tell them the whole story,” he says. “I told them we met at a club that I snuck into and tried flirting with you. You didn’t know I was underage and when you found out you dumped me. I didn’t say anything about us sleeping together since I figured that was what you didn’t want people to know.” 

Kenta’s mouth snaps shut. “I’m sorry,” he says eventually. 

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Insoo shrugs. “I should’ve told you. I forgot.” 

“It was hard to sleep without you,” Kenta says quietly as he slides under the covers beside Insoo. 

“It’s because you’re not used to this,” Insoo says gently. “You’re not usually the one waiting for me. That’s why.” 

Kenta bites his lip. “I guess. I just really missed you last night.” 

Insoo wraps his arms around Kenta. “I missed you too. It was weird sleeping in a bed that’s not mine.” 

Kenta makes a tiny distressed noise. “Whose bed were you in?” 

“Sewoon’s?” Insoo asks as though Kenta knows who that is. “He was visiting home so Hwanwoong told me to sleep in his bed. I went to high school with his roommate.” 

“Do I know him?” 

“I don’t think so. I didn’t have classes with him and I still don’t see him much now.” Insoo yawns. He nuzzles closer to Kenta. “He’s okay. He was telling us about a guy he met.” 

Kenta nods and curls up closer against Insoo, feeling him breathe slowly until he falls asleep. 

 

Kenta had been a little bit cowed by the restaurant Hyunbin asked him to meet at. Kenta knew Hyunbin’s fashion career had taken off and he was doing quite well for himself, but he didn’t really expect Hyunbin to ask to meet at the fanciest foreign restaurant in the area. Kenta hadn’t even seen Hyunbin in a while, only intermittently chatted with him whenever Hyunbin wasn’t busy, so Kenta wasn’t even sure what to expect. 

Hyunbin had been the same as Kenta remembered him, only chic on the outside but the same goofy and bright person on the inside, who lifted Kenta off the ground and squeezed him in a super tight hug. 

“Isn’t this too fancy a place to meet an old college friend?” Kenta asked teasingly when Hyunbin set him down. 

Hyunbin laughed. “My manager told me not to get photographed on the street with strangers. At least if we’re somewhere like this it looks like a formal meeting.” 

Kenta laughed. “I guess that makes sense.” 

“I’m surprised you came home without your boyfriend,” Hyunbin added conversationally as they were working through their meal. “You were away for so long, we all assumed you were bringing him home to meet everyone.” 

“I hadn’t been thinking about that, honestly,” Kenta said, remembering how badly things went with Insoo’s parents when Insoo had introduced him. “Anyway, Insoo doesn’t speak Japanese.” 

“We were all wondering if maybe he wasn’t real and you had just been in a long term relationship with a dating sim.” 

“He’s real,” Kenta sputtered, reaching into his pocket to find his phone. “I have pictures of us!” Hyunbin was laughing at him as Kenta was swiping through his gallery (and swiping very quickly over some very inappropriate pictures) but Kenta found one which Hyunbin squinted at for a few seconds before handing the phone back to Kenta. 

“He doesn’t look like the type you usually go for,” Hyunbin shrugged. 

“Well I’ve been with him longer than I’ve been with anyone else,” Kenta huffed. 

“That’s true,” Hyunbin nodded. “You got together as soon as you went back, right? It sounded like you picked him up at the baggage claim and next thing we heard from you, you two were moving in together.” 

Kenta bit his lip, not willing to fill in the blanks for Hyunbin. Of course, that day at the airport had been a reunion, not a first meeting. He and Insoo had been talking on and off since Kenta had left Korea, since Kenta had found himself unable to disengage from Insoo, even after Insoo apologized for his behavior and tried to say goodbye. Kenta had been too drawn in, and other people still felt too wrong to him, so he didn’t want to really lose Insoo. Their conversations were always very brief, with Kenta and Insoo both becoming busier, but they never faded away. When Kenta was thinking about graduate school, he started thinking about going to Korea. 

“I’m thinking about going to university in Japan,” Insoo told him one time when Kenta called him. 

“Why?” Kenta had been startled. 

Insoo hadn’t answered him right away. “Because I want to see you, hyung. I’m nineteen now.” 

“Sometimes you just meet people and you click instantly,” Kenta said to Hyunbin. “Didn’t you click very fast with your girlfriend? We haven’t met her either.” 

Hyunbin snorted. “We clicked, but it took more than a couple days for us to get together. And you do know her because she’s famous. You haven’t met her because we’re dating in secret.” 

“The next time you’re in Korea we’ll go on a very secret double date,” Kenta said.

“Okay,” Hyunbin had nodded. “And you can’t back out because your boyfriend doesn’t speak Japanese. I’m Korean. So’s she.” 

“Sure, sure,” Kenta managed to smile at that.

 

Kenta wakes up in a cold sweat and an empty bed and he sighs heavily. It’s getting harder to wake up from the dreams alone and Kenta rolls into a ball. As irrational as he knows he’s being, he’s still so stricken with fear.

Kenta muddles through his morning, grateful that he doesn’t have to go to work because he’s certain he wouldn’t be able to focus at all. He still probably won’t be able to focus much when he goes to class either, but he hopes that Longguo decides to warm back up to him and maybe share notes. 

He has no such luck, with Longguo remaining frosty. It’s starting to get a bit frustrating but Kenta is feeling stupidly prideful (or maybe just stupid) and doesn’t want to be the one to approach Longguo. Anyway, if Insoo told the half-truth about how they met, Kenta explained why he lied, so Longguo had all the facts he wanted.

Worse still, Sanggyun joins Kenta when he’s sitting alone. Kenta doesn’t bother concealing his scowl. Sanggyun grins at him. 

“Your face will freeze like that,” he says. 

“What do you want?” 

Sanggyun props his chin up on his fist. “Hmm. Longguo and I were talking about you.” 

“Were you? Are you friends now? Because Longguo told me you two weren’t friends.” 

“Are you still friends with Longguo? He had lots to say about you too.”

“I’m sure you’re going to tell me everything he said.” 

Sanggyun’s lips curl up into a smile. “No, just the juicy bit.” Sanggyun edges forward in his seat. “Longguo said you’ve cheated on your boyfriend.” 

Kenta’s insides freeze and his ears are roaring. He knows Sanggyun can’t be bluffing but he can’t believe Longguo would betray something Kenta told him in confidence. How could Longguo so casually say something like that to Sanggyun, when Longguo had been so incensed about Kenta telling him? Longguo couldn’t just tell that to anyone! 

“I knew you were easy,” Sanggyun sighs. “But he’s so devoted to you. Does he know you still flirt with anyone you meet?” 

Kenta’s tongue is completely frozen in his mouth. 

“I really like him too,” he continues. “He’s a type I like but even if you’re not looking at him, he’s still looking at you.” 

Kenta slams his hands on the table. Sanggyun actually looks startled. The people at neighboring tables peer at him curiously. 

“He is mine,” Kenta snarls. “So don’t even look at him. Don’t you dare look at him because he would never ever want someone like you.” 

“What am I like, Kenta sshi?” Sanggyun looks at him evenly and leans in so they’re nose to nose. “What are you like, if you’re a person who always has wandering eyes?” 

Kenta forces himself to walk away, not caring that he’s going to miss his class, not caring that Longguo isn’t going to share notes - if he’s even awake to take them - and not caring that he doesn’t have an answer to give Sanggyun. Kenta just needs to walk away so his head doesn’t explode. He goes home and crawls into bed, waiting until Insoo comes home later that night. 

Insoo raises his eyebrows. “Didn’t you have class?” 

“I skipped,” Kenta rolls over. “I wanted to spend more time with you.” 

“Still, hyung, you have to go to your classes,” Insoo chides, but crawls into bed beside him. 

Kenta pulls Insoo closer to him and kisses him insistently. Insoo runs his fingers through Kenta’s hair and shifts on top of him. Kenta wraps his legs around Insoo’s waist and digs his fingers into his back, whispering “mine” in between kisses. “You’re mine, Insoo, mine.” 

“Of course I’m yours, hyung,” Insoo laughs. “I’ve always been yours.” 

Kenta clings to him tighter, thinking about Sanggyun’s hands on his waist and his breath on his ear and the idea that Sanggyun might want Insoo, might want to touch Insoo that same way. 

“Mine,” Kenta repeats. 

 

Kenta had been texting Insoo more than he had been talking to Risa, asking what Insoo was having for dinner, to which Insoo had forlornly replied he was ordering some tangsuyuk for himself. Kenta had responded by sending a picture of the takoyaki he was neglecting to eat in favor of texting Insoo. Insoo had replied it looked good, but he would rather just eat Kenta. Kenta had felt the heat creeping up his neck, thinking about Insoo sinking his teeth into his skin, when he had finally been snapped out of his daze by Risa swiping takoyaki right out of his tray. 

“Hey!” Kenta had choked out, watching Risa pop it into her mouth. “You have your own!” 

“It’s what you deserve for sexting your boyfriend when I’m standing right next to you.” Risa said primly. 

“Sexting? I am not!” 

“The look on your face was all hazy, you were definitely sexting,” Risa said dismissively, plucking Kenta’s phone out of his hand. 

“Risa!” 

Risa tilted his phone and scrutinized a picture Kenta was horribly worried was a nude one and shrugged. She kept swiping through photos and then handed Kenta back his phone. “He’s skinny. And short. Looks young. Not your type.”

“What’s my type?” Kenta asked, pocketing his phone. 

“Tall, athletic, older, and rich,” Risa replied, stealing another one of Kenta’s takoyaki. “You’re like a sugar baby.” 

“I am not,” Kenta huffed. “Anyway, he and I have been together for years now so…” 

“So that’s why you’re hiding him from us. Are you really boyfriends? Or are you just roommates who fuck?” 

Kenta blinked. “What do you mean?” 

Risa sighed heavily. “We all thought this was when we’d get to meet him. We don’t know much of anything about him and what we know we’ve heard from Hyunbin. So Hyunbin says he’s younger than you, he studies dance, and you moved in together really soon after you met. I didn’t believe him at first. Sure, I bought the fact you picked him up at the airport and slept with him, but you’re not the kind that gets into major commitments that fast.” 

Kenta was flustered. “It wasn’t like that. He and I just really connected.” 

“But it just didn’t seem like you to move in with him. You overshare about the guys you meet but you’ve been so quiet about him.” Risa had looked at him very seriously. “He treats you right, doesn’t he?”

Kenta choked again. “Of course, Risa, he’s great…”

“But you keep him hidden from us.” 

“It’s complicated,” Kenta blurted. “I just don’t want you to think less of me.”

“Why would I think that?” 

Kenta bit his lip. “Because of how we met, and how fast things moved. I didn’t want you to think badly of me.” 

“I don’t. I’m just confused.” 

“I don’t know why, it’s just uncomfortable for me to say a lot. We love each other a lot. We’re very happy together.” 

Risa had stared at him very appraisingly. “I just wish you’d let us see more of that happiness. We wouldn’t worry so much if you did.” 

 

Kenta and Insoo are arm in arm, Kenta leaning against Insoo’s shoulder, staring up at a coffeehouse menu when Insoo gets jostled very suddenly. 

“Insoo!” A voice chirps. 

Kenta’s stomach drops a little as a bright faced man bows to him with Insoo’s arm in his. 

“Hello,” he says with a blinding smile. “I’m so sorry to disturb you, I’m an old classmate of Insoo’s. Oh! You must be Insoo’s boyfriend! I’ve heard so much about you!”

“Woodam hyung,” Insoo says warily. 

“Why don’t you come sit with me for a moment?” Woodam is pulling Insoo and therefore pulling Kenta along with him. 

“Seriously, hyung, we weren’t going to stay…” Insoo protests, but Woodam is towing them along. 

“Just for a minute,” Woodam implores. “I haven’t seen you in so long!” 

Kenta smiles at him weakly, unsure of why his stomach is in knots, as though he knows something is going to go wrong. Insoo is also incredibly tense as Woodam herds them over to a little table where another man is sitting. Woodam all but pushes Insoo and Kenta into their chairs and introduces his friend.

“This is my roommate, Woncheol. He and Insoo briefly went to high school together.”

Kenta studies Woncheol’s face. His lips are turned up in a faint smile, his eyes are flickering between Kenta and Insoo. He has a face so elegantly handsome it makes Kenta self conscious about his own crooked teeth.

“It’s nice to meet you.” 

So this is Insoo’s first love.

“It’s nice to meet you too. My name is Takada Kenta.” 

Insoo pushes his chair back out, the legs scraping noisily on the tiled floor. “I have to piss.” 

Woodam smiles a little hopelessly at Kenta as he quietly follows behind Insoo stomping off towards the toilet. 

Woncheol laughs softly. “Woodam is under the impression Insoo and I had a very big fight when we were young and have yet to make up.” 

“I know you,” Kenta says softly. “You’re Insoo’s first love.” 

“Yes,” Woncheol confirms. “You’re his boyfriend.” 

Kenta nods. 

“He loves you very much,” Woncheol comments. 

“I love him too,” Kenta says. 

Woncheol takes sip from his coffee mug. “I saw him in the summer and he looked very sad. Even if Woodam’s being a bit difficult and he’s displeased, I can tell he’s much happier now.” 

Kenta shifts uncomfortably. “When did you see Insoo?” 

“We were sitting in his car and talking. He told me he didn’t feel like he was good enough for you, and that he had tricked you into being with him.” 

Woncheol is being shockingly frank with Kenta and Kenta isn’t sure what to say. Insoo hadn’t said anything about seeing Woncheol and Kenta is beginning to feel a little bit sick. 

“Woncheol sshi,” Kenta clears his throat anxiously. “Are you seeing anyone?” 

“Not at the moment.”

Kenta swallows thickly. “Are you still in love with my Insoo?” 

Woncheol smiles at him. “With Insoo, it doesn’t matter how others feel. He’s completely devoted to you.”

“What does that mean?” 

“He told me he thought you were possibly going behind his back with someone else and he had wished he could do the same to make you feel bad but he couldn’t. He told me he couldn’t even bear the guilt of talking to me.” 

Kenta licks his lips nervously. “You haven’t answered my question.”

Woncheol snorts softly. “He would never have me since he has you.” He blinks slowly. “You love him just as much, don’t you? Aren’t you unable to see anyone but him?” 

Kenta suddenly wants to throw up because Woncheol is staring right through him and it’s like he knows that the answer is no and that Kenta was unfaithful because his eyes harden for half a second before the demure look returns. Kenta can hardly breathe. For some reason he could never conjure up an image of Woncheol but seeing him in the flesh was far too overwhelming. Woncheol was just nothing like Kenta, and Kenta wondered what could have drawn Insoo to him that night in the bar when the man sitting across from him appeared so clean cut. 

“It hurt me to see him so upset,” Woncheol continues when Kenta doesn’t speak. “I was remembering the very brief time we had together and I wanted to comfort him, but he wouldn’t let me touch him. That’s how devoted he is to you.” 

Relief crashes over Kenta when Insoo strides back to the table with Woodam on his heels, Insoo grabbing Kenta by the wrist and pulling him up. “We’re leaving.”

“Goodbye,” Woncheol doesn’t look at all ruffled by their abrupt exit.

Insoo doesn’t say anything, even when they get home, so Kenta is the first to speak. 

“So that’s him,” Kenta says in a small voice. 

“Yes,” Insoo replies. 

“He’s,” Kenta isn’t sure what to say. “He’s not what I expected.” 

Insoo doesn’t say anything. 

“What did you like about him?” Kenta asks carefully. 

“His looks, obviously,” Insoo says. “He was a very calming presence when I used to be very angry at everything. He could always see right through me.” 

“He mentioned that you saw each other during the summer.” 

Insoo glances over at Kenta and gives a small nod. “It wasn’t that important so I never brought it up.” 

Kenta bites his lip. It sounded important from what Woncheol had said. “He said you talked about me,” Kenta says casually. 

Insoo sighs deeply. “He came to talk to me,” he says. “I didn’t go looking for him.” 

“That’s not what I meant.” 

“There’s nothing for you to worry about. Woodam thinks we got into a fight when we were younger and that we should make up and neither of us has told him the truth. Woodam hyung likes to feel helpful but I don’t want to talk to Woncheol.”

“But weren’t you happy with him?” 

“I’m happy with you now.” 

 

Kenta’s dream is always the same. Even after months and months of having it, there’s no variation. 

Kenta is always standing, completely unable to move. He’s always looking at Insoo, who is always staring back at him blankly. Kenta can never move, never speak, never do anything to stop Insoo from saying what he always does. 

“I don’t love you anymore.” Insoo says simply. “So I’m leaving.” 

Kenta knows he can’t say anything but he still tries. 

Insoo makes a face. “Why won’t you say anything? Is it because you’ve wanted me to leave?” 

Kenta’s neck won’t move for him to shake his head. He knows he can’t do anything but watch Insoo leave. 

Insoo nods slowly. “I assumed for a long time that you had fallen out of love with me. I finally came to the same conclusion. It’s okay, hyung, you don’t have to feel trapped by me anymore.” 

Insoo starts to leave, which is normal, Kenta has been watching Insoo leave too many times, but something is different this time. Insoo only steps away when there’s someone wrapping his arm around Insoo’s shoulders. Kenta can’t see his face and then he turns around. Kenta feels his heart drop straight through his stomach. 

It’s Woncheol. 

Woncheol has his arm wrapped around Insoo’s shoulders, holding him close to his body. Woncheol smiles at Insoo so gently, with so much love. Insoo smiles back at him. Kenta can’t breathe. He wills his stupid body to do anything, but he can’t. He wants to scream. This is more unbearable than just watching Insoo leave him. 

Kenta wakes up screaming and suddenly the light is on and Insoo is holding his face. Kenta bursts into tears as Insoo cradles him to his chest. 

“I’m right here, hyung, it’s okay. You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you.” Insoo whispers into his hair as Kenta sobs. 

Kenta clings to him as Insoo soothes him. 

“Hyung,” Insoo says when Kenta finally stops crying. “I’m serious about you seeing someone about this. It’s getting worse and it’s starting to affect you more. I don’t want you to go through this.” 

Kenta curls up closer to Insoo.

“I wish you would tell me what was wrong.” Insoo says quietly. 

Kenta shakes his head fervently. “I can’t,” he croaks. 

Insoo squeezes Kenta tighter. “I love you, hyung. I just want you to be happy. I don’t know what I can do to help you when this happens.” 

“Just hold me like this,” Kenta whimpers. 

“Okay,” Insoo sighs soflty as he kisses Kenta’s cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Soosoo.” 

 

“I’m going to be in Korea for a few days because I have some jobs lined up,” Risa’s voice sounds very far away, but maybe that’s because Kenta has his phone jammed between his shoulder and his ear as he’s digging through his bag looking futilely for his textbook. He didn’t take it off his desk before he left. Fuck, that means he’ll have to ask Longguo to share. 

“I know it’s short notice but can I stay with you?” 

“Sure,” Kenta says as he puts his bag back together and without really listening. 

“Great! I won’t have to spend a lot of money on hotels. And I’ll get to meet your boyfriend too.” 

“Yup,” Kenta closes his bag. “I have to go, I’m going to class, Risa.” 

“Sure. I’ll text you my flight details.” 

“Okay. Bye, Risa.” 

“Bye, Kenta, see you soon.” 

Kenta slips his phone back into his pocket and rests his head on the bus window. His brain is spinning too much. Part of him thinks he shouldn’t have agreed to let Risa stay with him, but Risa is one of his closest friends so she’d probably pester him until he caved anyway. He makes a mental note to tell Insoo, and to clean the flat, and actually - has he ever talked much about Risa with Insoo? And today he has to talk to Longguo about sharing the textbook and maybe asking for notes from the last time Kenta skipped. Kenta rubs his face tiredly. He kind of wants to get off at the next stop and catch the bus going in the opposite direction. But he’s been skipping class too much lately, so he can’t. 

Kenta sits next to Longguo even though Longguo doesn’t acknowledge him. 

“Did you take notes last lecture?” he asks. 

Longguo shakes his head. 

“Can you share your textbook with me?” 

Longguo slides it across the table and puts his head down. 

Kenta sighs as he opens the textbook. He wants to say a lot of things to Longguo, he wants to ask why Longguo would tell some non-friend about his infidelity, he wants to know why Longguo is still mad at him; he wants to know why Longguo is mad at all. Kenta bites his lip and convinced himself to talk to Longguo after the lecture. 

The lecture drags and Kenta scribbles notes that he isn’t even sure will be very useful to him when he’s trying to study later. He’s too distracted by Longguo’s napping form and the conversation he needs to have with him later. 

“Can we talk?” Kenta asks, sliding Longguo’s textbook back across the table. 

“About what?” Longguo grunts. He sounds a little groggy still, and Kenta thinks he should because he slept through the whole lecture. 

“About us,” Kenta says. “You’re still mad at me.” 

“You won’t admit you lied to me,” Longguo huffs. 

“I did lie,” Kenta says. “But I lied because I was worried about you thinking I was a strange person.”

“Your boyfriend said it was a misunderstanding that you tried to fix. Why couldn’t you just say that? I wouldn’t have gotten that mad if you just admitted things.”

Kenta hesitates. Insoo lied too. He made the circumstances surrounding their first meeting more palatable, but it still wasn’t true. It still didn’t touch on Kenta’s shame at all. 

“You never questioned my lie,” Kenta says slowly. “And I was ashamed for lying. It was hard to tell the truth after that.” 

“If you just told me, I wouldn’t feel weird about you now,” Longguo says. “I feel like I can’t trust what you say.” 

“But Longguo,” Kenta licks his lips. “Did you tell Sanggyun that I had cheated on Insoo?” 

Longguo blinks. “Yes.” 

“Why did you tell him that?” Kenta sputters. “I told you that because I trusted you!”

“I told him because he was asking about your relationship.”

“And you told him that?” 

“Should I not have said that?” 

“Of course not! That’s private! I told you because we’re friends. You said you and Sanggyun weren’t friends so why did you tell him something like that?” Kenta says angrily. 

Longguo shrugs. “He asked. I just told him the truth.” 

“You can’t tell people that!”

“You’re always worried about what people think of you and your relationship and it makes me think you’re hiding things.” 

“I’m not! But people don’t need to know things like that! It’s private!”

Longguo shrugs again. Kenta’s a little bit enraged by is nonchalance. Kenta wouldn’t air Longguo’s dirty laundry, so why is Longguo so comfortable airing his? Kenta goes to work and his head is still spinning irritably. 

The one bright spot is the cute girl comes back, this time with Hwanwoong, and Kenta smiles at them brightly. 

“You’re out late again,” Kenta says amiably. 

“You too,” she says.

Hwanwoong is glancing between them, but doesn’t say anything. Kenta rings them up and Hwanwoong pays for both of them and carries their tray to a table. Kenta glances at them chatting quietly as he tidies up the counter. 

Hwanwoong comes back to buy another iced coffee. “Do you two know each other?” he asks, sounding slightly suspicious. 

“She comes here a lot,” Kenta replies. “You two are very cute together.” Hwanwoong’s face turns red and Kenta winks at him. “Don’t worry. I won’t interfere.” 

When they leave, the cute girl bids Kenta goodnight and he smiles at her brightly. 

“They were on a date,” Seonho says later when they’re closing up for the night. “She was wearing flat shoes so that hyung could be taller than her.” 

“Maybe she doesn’t usually wear heels,” Kenta says. 

Seonho shakes his head. “She came in with a female friend a couple days ago and was wearing heels.” 

“Well, Hwanwoong is sensitive about his height.” 

Kenta drags himself home and is happy to flop down into bed on top of Insoo. 

“I’m home,” Kenta says. 

“Hi, hyung,” Insoo wraps his arms around Kenta and pulls him into a snuggly embrace.

“I saw Hwanwoong with that cute girl again,” Kenta yawns. “They’re cute together. Are they dating now?” 

“No, he says they’re not. I don’t remember why. Lately when Hwanwoong talks I don’t listen,” Insoo snorts. “Go brush your teeth, hyung, you have coffee breath.” 

Kenta pouts. “I had such a long day and you’re being mean.” But he still shuffles into their bathroom before coming back and laying back down on top of Insoo and falling asleep. 

 

Kenta wakes up without having dreamed. 

By all accounts, that should be a good thing. It’s been weeks since Kenta had a dreamless night, and it should be a relief to finally sleep through the night without one, especially after the last time was so much worse. And yet, Kenta feels somewhat uneasy. The dreams are something he’s come to expect, so Kenta doesn’t know what to do when he hasn’t woken up in the middle of the night scared out of his mind. 

It’s Saturday and Insoo is still in bed, mouth open and drooling on his pillow. Kenta curls up closer by his side and closes his eyes. It’s not a bad thing, Kenta tells himself. If he’s done having those terrifying dreams it must mean he’s feeling more secure about things. He should be happy. 

Insoo sleeps soundly so eventually Kenta gets up and makes breakfast. Insoo eventually rolls out of bed to drape himself across Kenta’s shoulders and yawn. 

“How did you sleep?” Insoo asks, nosing along Kenta’s exposed shoulder. 

“I didn’t have the dream,” Kenta replies. 

“Really? That’s good. Maybe whatever was stressing you has gone away?” Insoo sounds hopeful. 

“Maybe,” Kenta says.

Insoo seems happy at this prospect, and they spend one of their few shared days off lazing in each other’s arms, until the evening when Insoo asks if Kenta wants to go out to a bar with Longguo and Sanggyun. Kenta’s stomach sinks. He doesn’t want to, but Insoo is looking at him like he wants to go, so Kenta agrees. 

The bar is crowded and the music is loud and Longguo isn’t interested in him so Kenta finds himself bored as Insoo and Sanggyun talk to one another since he doesn’t really want to get up and drink. Kenta feels his phone buzz and he glances down at the message. It’s from Risa, which reminds him suddenly that she’s going to be visiting Korea, and staying with them, and he needs to tell Insoo and they need to clean their apartment. Kenta’s head starts spinning with things he has to do but when he looks up he gets jolted out of his thoughts about groceries. 

Sanggyun is leaning on Insoo’s shoulder and talking directly in his ear, close enough it looks like Sanggyun’s lips are touching Insoo’s ear. Kenta starts boiling. 

“Sanggyun,” Kenta stands up abruptly, banging his knees on the underside of the table. Even Longguo’s looking up from his phone to stare. “I need to talk to you quickly, come with me.” 

Kenta knows he isn’t being casual or subtle at all but he can hear his own heartbeat in his ears and Sanggyun is just smirking at him when he asks what Kenta wants to talk about. 

“I told you to not look at him,” Kenta hisses. “I told you to not even think about him because he is mine so what the hell are you doing.” 

“I was just talking to him,” Sanggyun laughs. “You’re very territorial.” 

“I know you were doing that on purpose. I told you to not look at him, so don’t.” 

Sanggyun stoops a little bit so he can bring his face closer to Kenta’s. “Why should I listen to you? You let me flirt with you and touch you. You let a lot of people do that.” 

“No I don’t,” Kenta grits his teeth. “Anyway, don’t touch my Insoo.” 

“Or else what?” Sanggyun asks, grabbing Kenta’s face and pulling him a little bit closer. “What will you do?” 

Kenta can’t breathe very suddenly. Their faces are much too close. Sanggyun’s eyes are boring into his but Kenta can’t break away. 

Kenta feels a hand on his shoulder yanking him away from Sanggyun and whirling him around. Insoo looks furious, but why is he looking at Kenta like that? “What are you doing?” Insoo demands. Kenta’s mind is scrambling, he can’t even form the words to ask why Insoo is asking him that. Insoo grabs his hand and tugs. “We’re leaving.” 

Kenta lets Insoo drag him along with him, jogging to keep up with Insoo’s pace. His mind is still spinning. He can still feel Sanggyun’s breath on his face, the burn of his fingers digging into his cheeks. 

“Insoo,” Kenta finally manages, breathlessly, when they’re already more than halfway home. “Soosoo.” 

Insoo stops short and Kenta stumbles into him. “What the fuck was that?” Insoo barks. 

“It wasn’t what it looked like,” Kenta says and then realizes it’s the worst thing to say. 

Insoo looks at him incredulously. “What is there to misunderstand about Sanggyun holding your face like that?” 

“He grabbed me!” Kenta says defensively as Insoo begins walking again. Kenta grabs Insoo’s arm. “I wasn’t doing anything!” 

“But you called him out to talk,” Insoo retorts. 

Kenta can feel his face heating up. “Because he was too close to you! I was trying to tell him to back off!” 

“I wasn’t doing anything either!” 

“Sanggyun told me he liked you,” Kenta says desperately. “That’s why, I was going to tell him to stop leaning on you…” 

“So why were you about to kiss him?” Insoo snaps. 

“I wasn’t going to! He grabbed me!” Kenta squeezes Insoo’s arm. “I thought you trusted me.” 

Kenta realizes this was a worse thing to say because Insoo wrenches his arm free. “I do trust you,” Insoo hisses. “I always trust you. You were cheating on me and I still trusted you enough that I blamed myself for being too paranoid. What do you want me to think when I see that with my own eyes?” 

Kenta could cry. “I’m sorry. Please just trust me that it wasn’t what you thought.” Insoo doesn’t answer him as he stomps up the steps to their flat. Kenta trails in after him. “Insoo, please…” 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Insoo says. 

Kenta hovers around awkwardly in their room while Insoo goes to lay on the couch and fume. Eventually Kenta decides to roll himself up into a ball and hide behind their bed, stuffing his shirtsleeve between his teeth so Insoo won’t hear him cry. He doesn’t know what to do when he hasn’t seen Insoo so angry in so long. Maybe Kenta was being too foolish when he thought the more difficult times were behind them and they were moving towards better things. Kenta knows it’s his fault too. Insoo thinks he and Sanggyun are closer than they are because Insoo used Sanggyun as a cover when he was seeing Donghan, and he knows how they must have looked, nose to nose. Kenta bangs his forehead against his knees. Stupid. Just think of how many peaceful months he’s zeroed out just like that. 

Insoo always trusts him. Kenta can feel tears leaking out of his eyes and seeping into the knees of his pants. Insoo always trusts him even when there’s no reason to. Insoo trusted Kenta when Kenta told him nothing was happening between him and Donghan. Insoo trusts him enough that he never thought to ask if Kenta was telling the truth about who he was spending time with. 

And Kenta knows he’s lied about a lot of things. 

Insoo sits beside him. “Kenta hyung?” 

Kenta glances up at Insoo, who looks a bit like he’s been crying himself. 

“I’m sorry,” Insoo says softly, “for overreacting and yelling at you. Did I hurt you before when I pulled you?”

Kenta shakes his head. Insoo’s apology makes him feel more miserable. 

“I do trust you,” Insoo adds. “I love you and trust and know you wouldn’t…” he trails off and Kenta winces. They both know that Kenta would cheat, because he has. “I trust you,” Insoo repeats. 

Kenta thinks about flirty guys at the bars Insoo doesn’t go to and free drinks and Sanggyun’s breath in his ear and thinks Insoo shouldn’t. 

 

Kenta wakes up again without dreaming. 

Worry gnaws at his stomach as he gets up. There’s no reason he shouldn’t have dreamed last night. If anything was going to make him fear Insoo leaving him it was fighting last night. Kenta’s heart races a little when he finds the apartment empty, but there’s a note from Insoo on the fridge saying he went to buy groceries. Kenta decides to brew coffee as he taps his fingers against the counter. He doesn’t really want to own up to more of his lies but he probably should. Insoo trusts him, so he deserves the truth. 

Kenta’s stomach turns thinking about that conversation. It’s the repeating cycle of reopening wounds. If Kenta had just been honest in the first place they wouldn’t keep coming back to this same spot. If Kenta was more honest maybe he would’ve saved Insoo a lot of heartache. 

Insoo had once told him when they were laying in bed one night that he didn’t know what Kenta could do to make Insoo leave him. 

“I thought about it a lot,” Insoo had said. “I tried to think of something that would make me leave you. I thought if you had slept with Donghan, that would be it, but I kept thinking and eventually decided I could have forgiven you.” Insoo turned to look at Kenta in the darkness. “I’m glad you didn’t, though.” 

Kenta had been grateful for the darkness that hid his expression from Insoo. Kenta had been alarmed by hearing those words from Insoo. Those words made Kenta feel like he had trapped Insoo in a web he was never going to be able to escape. 

A sharp knock on the front door shakes Kenta out of his thoughts. Kenta thinks Insoo must need help with the groceries so he opens the door but it’s not Insoo on the other side.

It’s Risa with her suitcase. 

“I told you I was coming and you agreed,” Risa scolds him as she drags her suitcase into the flat. “You never sent me your address so I had to ask Hyunbin.” 

“Hyunbin has my address?” Kenta asks stupidly. 

Risa sighs at him. “If you didn’t really want me to come you should have said so.” 

“I forgot,” Kenta mumbles. 

“Where is he?” Risa asks, unwinding her scarf and peering around the flat. 

“He’s at the store.” 

“What’s his name again?” 

“Insoo.” 

“This is nicer than I thought it would be. Smaller, but cleaner.” Risa says appraisingly.

“Thanks?” Kenta isn’t sure what to do. The fight made him forget all about Risa. 

Risa’s sitting on their couch. She looks so out of place there.

“Tell me about him,” she says suddenly. 

“What do you want to know?” Kenta asks as he sits beside her. 

“I don’t know anything about him except that he’s Korean, younger than you, and studying dance,” Risa ticks off each fact on the tip of a manicured finger. “You picked him up at the airport when you moved back here. And now I know his name. You can tell me anything else.” 

“He has a nose piercing,” Kenta offers. Risa doesn’t look impressed. “When he was in high school he worked so many shifts at a conbini he saved up for a used car that he still drives.” 

“What’s his personality like?” 

Kenta swallows. “He’s hot headed. But sometimes he’s sensitive. He eats a lot when he’s stressed out.” 

Risa’s expression is unreadable. Kenta starts sweating. 

The sound of the door startles Kenta and he jumps up from the couch. Unfortunately, Risa is following him to the door. 

“Soosoo!” Kenta says to Insoo, who is looking over Kenta’s shoulder at Risa with a puzzled look. “This is my friend, Risa, she’s visiting Korea for a few days.”

“Hello,” Insoo says tentatively. 

“Hello,” Risa says. “I’m here for business, so you’ll hardly know I’m here.” 

Insoo nods and then shoots Kenta another confused look. 

“I forgot to tell you,” Kenta whispers. “Yesterday, it slipped my mind.” 

Insoo shrugs as he starts putting away groceries. 

“Do you want something to drink?” Kenta asks Risa. She declines so Kenta wanders back to the kitchen to watch Insoo put away the last of the groceries. 

Considering the shock, Insoo seems to take Risa’s presence in stride without any problems and the first day of Risa being in their apartment is peaceful. Risa isn’t as probing as Kenta thought she would be, especially considering the questions she had while they were sitting on the couch. Insoo doesn’t seem to mind Risa that much either, nor does he have many questions for her. 

“How long have you been friends?” Insoo asks Kenta when Risa has finally fallen asleep on their couch. 

“University?” Kenta hazards. “I don’t really remember us meeting, just that we’ve been friends for a long time.” 

Insoo nods. 

“I really did forget to tell you she was coming,” Kenta says. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Insoo says and leans to kiss Kenta’s forehead.

“I’m sorry,” Kenta repeats. 

“Really, hyung, it’s fine.”

Kenta curls up closer to Insoo and sighs. Insoo cards his fingers through Kenta’s hair until Kenta falls asleep. 

 

It’s the third dreamless night and Kenta wakes to the sound of someone moving around in the kitchen. Insoo is still sound asleep beside him, so it must be Risa. Kenta pads into the kitchen when he smells coffee. Risa is watching the coffee pot, already dressed for her meeting.

“Morning,” Kenta says. “Did you sleep okay?” 

“Yeah, your couch is surprisingly comfortable.” Risa answers, stretching her arms above her head.

“I’ve slept on it before too,” Kenta nods. 

Risa eyes him. “So that’s him, huh?” 

“You’ve seen pictures of him,” Kenta says hotly. 

“Yes, but this is my first time seeing him in person.” Risa fluffs her hair. “If he becomes a famous dancer tell him that we should cut a deal and he can promote my boutiques.” 

Kenta snorts. “You really are a businesswoman.” 

“You too. When you finally finish up school you can translate all of my marketing materials.” 

“Do it yourself! You’re bilingual too!” 

Risa shrugs and pours herself a cup of coffee and takes a sip. Her lipstick leaves a crisp mark on the rim. She nods, pleased. “I knew it was right to stay with you. You respect coffee.” 

Kenta smiles and sees her out, promising to cook something for dinner when she returns from carving out a more satisfactory market for her boutiques. Risa just laughs and asks if he knows how to cook at all. 

Kenta drifts back to bed where Insoo is still sleeping soundly. Kenta smiles at him fondly. Insoo always looks younger when he sleeps, so untroubled by everything. Kenta has spent a lot of nights gazing at Insoo’s sleeping face. His heart swells a little, thinking about how much he loves this soft side of Insoo that no one else gets to see. 

Kenta goes to work and doesn’t mind the morning rush even as Taemin sighs the colder weather will mean the cafe will get busier and busier. Kenta doesn’t feel very bothered at the prospect. 

Taemin squints at him. “You’re in a good mood.” 

“I have a friend visiting from home,” Kenta explains. “She’s here on a business trip.”

Taemin nods. “Is she pretty?” 

“She’s out of your league,” Kenta scoffs. 

Taemin laughs good naturedly. “You can win anyone over with the right cup of coffee.” 

In Risa’s case, this is probably true, so Kenta just snorts and lets Taemin go into the stock room to sort through their inventory. 

Kenta goes home and isn’t surprised to see Risa’s heels at the entrance. He can hear her voice from their living room, and sure enough, she’s sitting on the couch with Insoo. 

“Kenta,” Risa says. “I was just talking to your boyfriend.” 

There’s a certain tightness to Insoo’s face that immediately sets Kenta on edge. 

“I was telling him how your Japanese friends don’t know much about him but we’re all very curious.” 

All of Kenta’s alarms are going off. This is bad, very bad. 

“It’s not every day one of your closest friends settles down with a guy he met at the baggage claim.” 

Kenta can feel the sweat dripping down the back of his neck. That’s not how they met, of course, not like Risa would know that and not like Insoo would care about the finer points of Kenta’s many lies to his friends.

“You know how some of us weren’t even sure you were that kind of couple.” 

Kenta could kick Risa out of the house if he weren’t at a loss about how to stop the bleeding. Kenta retreats to the kitchen, trying to think of something to say, but Insoo joins him and grabs him by the arm. 

“Is that what you tell people?” Insoo hisses, trying to be quiet so Risa can’t hear. “Do your friends think I’m just some fuck buddy?” 

Kenta chokes. “No!” 

“So why do people think you picked me up from the baggage claim and moved in with me?” Insoo’s voice is slowly rising. “I thought you weren’t ashamed of me.” 

“I’m not!” Kenta says hastily. “I’m not!”

“Why doesn’t anyone know how we met then?” Insoo’s not bothering to keep his voice down now. Kenta flinches. “You still haven’t told anyone the truth about that, have you?” 

“Soosoo,” Kenta is floundering. 

Insoo strides back to the couch and faces Risa, who actually looks a little worried. 

“Do you know how Kenta and I met?” he asks. 

Risa blinks up at him before furtively glancing at Kenta. “You met at the airport.” 

“That’s not true. Tell her, hyung. Tell her how we met.” 

“Insoo, can we talk about this later?” Kenta knows it’s stupid to ask but he does anyway. 

“Tell her how old I was when we met,” Insoo’s volume is increasing again. “Tell her that you still haven’t stopped thinking I’m too young for you and you still won’t be honest about how we met.” Insoo’s glaring at him. “I lied for you,” he says reproachfully. “I lied to Sanggyun and Longguo because I know that’s what you wanted when I have never lied about how we met.” 

“It’s different for you!” Kenta yells. “You were seventeen! I was an adult. I was supposed to know better! I think about what my life would be like if we never met.”

Risa looks aghast but Insoo is only looking at him. 

“Is that why you act like you don’t want me? Is that why you cheated on me with someone my age? I told you I would forgive you for anything and I still will but when are you going to start telling the truth?” Insoo’s anger is cracking. He sounds tired and sad. “I don’t want to feel like you’re hiding me and I told you this. How many times do I have to tell you?” 

Kenta feels like he’s drowning. “Insoo.” 

“Or when will you just admit that you want out? Can’t you just tell me that you don’t want to be trapped by me anymore?” Insoo starts moving towards the door. 

“Insoo!” Kenta tries to grab him but Insoo pushes him away. “Wait!” 

“Don’t,” he says. “I need to get away from you right now. I need to think.” 

“Think about what?” Kenta asks hysterically. “What’s there to think about?” 

Insoo looks at him. Kenta wonders what Insoo sees, if Kenta’s face is showing just how crazed he feels. 

“Us,” Insoo says simply as he slams the door. 

Kenta’s legs buckle underneath him and he falls flat on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fyi the next chapter is really short so just be aware of this and don't @ me when it's a tiny fraction of this one
> 
> also the chapter count has gone up to five if you hadn't noticed! yay me for not pacing anything well!!


	3. intermission - don't say the words that i love to hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi welcome back to hell
> 
> we goin' short today but don't worry, the next one is much longer 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one! 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter title comes from "Baby" by Clean Bandit, Marina and the Diamonds, and Luis Fonsi

“I want to have an inappropriately sexual conversation with you.” 

Woncheol bursts into laughter. “I’m guessing I shouldn’t tell Woodam this conversation ever happened then.” 

“Yes.” 

“So why exactly are you calling me, Insoo?” 

Insoo swallows thickly. “Have you had sex with anyone?” 

“What’s the answer you want to hear from me?” Woncheol answers evenly.

“I was trying so hard to forget you that as soon as I found someone else I liked I slept with him. He didn’t like me the way I liked him, and I don’t think it was really love.” Insoo can tell he’s starting to babble. “I like it when it’s rough. I like getting choked but no one ever likes doing that to me. And I think about you, and how I don’t think you could hurt anyone, and I don’t think you could give me what I want either. So there’s no point in wanting you because it’s not like my sex life would improve.” 

Woncheol is quiet so Insoo barrels on. 

“I think about how you made me the happiest in my life and seeing you makes me afraid of being unhappy so much but I don’t want to miss you so I just avoid you as much as possible but I’m just tired and I can’t fight anymore.” 

“Insoo.” 

“Do you ever regret meeting me?” Insoo’s voice cracks. “Do you ever think to yourself that your life would be better if you never met me?” 

“Of course not.” 

“So why,” Insoo sniffles loudly. “Why did he say that to me? Why did he tell me he wonders how different his life would be if he never met me?” 

Woncheol is silent. “Insoo, where are you?” 

“There’s this thing I heard once,” Insoo babbles on, wiping at his wet cheeks. “About your cells dying off and getting replaced until you’re a new person. I don’t remember how long it’s supposed to take for every cell to die off, but don’t you think it’s possible the body you touched is gone? That you’ve never touched me as I am now?” 

“Where are you right now?” 

“I don’t want to see you,” Insoo snuffles. “I’m being an idiot. I just wanted to hear your voice. I’m sorry.”

“But I want to see you.” 

Insoo wipes at his face. “I don’t trust myself around you.”

“Do you trust me?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then trust me that I wouldn’t do anything untoward, and that I wouldn’t let you do anything you would regret.” 

Insoo breathes in shallowly. “I’m at this motel…” 

 

It doesn’t take too long for Woncheol to get there, and Insoo opens the door to Woncheol looking a little bit bemused. 

“I’ll have you know I’ve never been to a place like this,” he says as he steps into the motel room. 

Insoo glances around. The room is small and the bed takes up most of the space. Obviously. Because it’s a sleazy love motel. 

“I have,” Insoo says as he locks the door. “It’s cheap to stay in places like this.” 

Woncheol sits on the edge of the bed. “You don’t have any friends to spend a couple nights with?” 

Insoo shrugs. “I didn’t want to impose on any of them. Eunki lives with his boyfriend. Hwanwoong already has six roommates. Sangbin’s housemates don’t like me. There was no one to ask.” 

“So how long have you been here?” 

“Two days.” 

Woncheol’s eyebrows quirk up. “That long?” 

Insoo shrugs. “He hasn’t called me at all. The last time we fought, he stayed up all night calling me until I answered.” 

“He probably thinks you need space.” 

“I don’t know what to do,” Insoo says in a small voice. 

“What do you want to do?” 

Insoo sits on the bed beside Woncheol, keeping a healthy bit of distance between them.

“I don’t know.” 

“Why did you leave and decide to sleep out for this long?” 

“I told you,” Insoo sniffs, feeling a fresh wave of tears threatening to fall. “He told me that he wonders what his life would be like if we had never met.” 

“Did you assume that was a bad thing?”

Insoo looks at Woncheol. “I told him once that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and then he cheated on me. I forgave him and trusted him and then he says he questions what his life would be like if I wasn’t in it. I don’t understand. I love him so much.” 

“I know you do.” 

“I don’t know what to do, or what to think.” Insoo pulls his knees up to his chest. “I know that he feels trapped by me, that’s why he won’t end things. And he knows I’m always going to forgive him, so nothing is going to happen.”

Woncheol doesn’t say anything. Insoo sighs heavily. 

“What are you thinking?” he eventually asks. 

“I’m trying to think of something to say that will be comforting, but also something you want to hear. I’m having trouble deciding what would help you, so it’s hard to say anything.” Woncheol says.

“What do you think I should do?” 

“You should do what makes you happy.” Woncheol smiles softly. “I know that’s easy to say but difficult to do.” 

“What if I said that you make me happy?” 

“I told you that I wouldn’t let you do anything you would regret.” 

Insoo looks away. “Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we stayed together?” 

Woncheol shrugs. “Of course. We already made plans to spend our birthdays together so back then it was easy to imagine how we might progress past that point. We never got to spend that time together, so sometimes I would wonder if we would’ve stayed together a long time. Sometimes I think we would have outgrown each other, or gotten tired of each other. Maybe I only thought like that when I was trying to not miss you.” 

Insoo shifts closer to Woncheol. Woncheol looks at him and raises his eyebrows. Insoo puts his hand beside Woncheol’s on the bed. 

“The first time you touched me,” Insoo’s voice is coming out strangled for some reason. “That’s when things started making sense for me. That was when I knew I loved you. And when you held my hand, it was scary but it still meant I wasn’t alone and you were going to be there for me. We didn’t even kiss and I was the one who left you first. That’s why I’m scared to touch you now, because I’m afraid of what I’m going to want if I touch you.” 

Insoo swallows dryly. 

“But I want to touch you.” 

Woncheol slowly turns his hand over, palm up. Insoo’s hand is shaking as he moves his hand to hover over Woncheol’s. He puts his hand into Woncheol’s tentatively, surprised by the claminess of Woncheol’s palm - is he nervous? Insoo laces their fingers together and squeezes Woncheol’s hand tightly, a sob tearing itself out of his throat. 

Woncheol pulls him forward suddenly, and then Insoo is in Woncheol’s arms, crying onto his chest, breathing him in, and holding him tightly. And Woncheol is squeezing him tightly to his chest, holding Insoo there like he needs him too.


	4. act iii - my held breath fills the room with love (hurts in ways i can’t describe)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now back to our regularly scheduled long chapter 
> 
> (a brief cw for sexual content and under-discussing a kink (unsafe-ish sex) around the middle)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!! 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter title comes from Florence + the Machine's "100 Years"

Kenta wakes up in an unfamiliar bed. 

As soon as he realizes he doesn’t know where he is, he practically catapults himself out of the bed, world spinning and turning with him as he rolls, smacking his head on the bedside table on the way down, arms and legs tangling in a blanket, and landing in a heap. 

Kenta’s sweating as he tries to free himself, head throbbing, body cold with fear. Where is he? What did he do? He’s wearing all his clothes, but his mouth feels grimy. Why doesn’t he know where he is? What was he doing? 

He remembers seeing Risa off to the airport in the afternoon, Risa smiling at him apologetically. “I’m sorry,” she said carefully as Kenta hugged her. “I’m not sorry you fought, it sounds like it was things you both needed to say, I’m just sorry I was there to see it. It should have been private.” 

He saw Risa off and then went back home to their empty flat and probably sat by himself for a while, waiting for Insoo to come home. Insoo still hadn’t come back, even though it had been three days. Kenta was getting desperate. He didn’t want to call, because Insoo had pushed him away, saying he needed to get away from Kenta, that he needed space. Kenta wanted to give Insoo that space, but Insoo still hadn’t come back to him. 

Was that why Kenta decided to go drink by himself? Night came and Insoo still hadn’t come home so Kenta went out to drink his sorrows away? And then what? Why was Kenta in someone else’s house, in someone else’s bed? 

Kenta’s still tangled in the blanket he can’t seem to get out of and he starts crying. It’s stupid, this is stupid, he is stupid; he is so stupid. Kenta’s so busy crying he doesn’t notice the person who’s crouching in front of him. 

“Why are you such a mess?” 

“Sanggyun?” Kenta chokes out. 

It’s Sanggyun, looking at him wryly. “You’re really a mess,” he sighs, pulling the blanket off of Kenta. “How are you alive? You were throwing up so much and crying and I couldn’t get you to lay down and then you passed out and now you’re crying again.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kenta hiccups. 

Sanggyun sighs. “You kept calling Longguo and you were obviously wasted. He was going to ignore you but I decided to go take you home, except when I showed up you started blubbering that you couldn’t go home, and then you threw up on me, so I brought you back here.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kenta sniffles. “And thank you. I know I’m a mess.” 

Sanggyun rolls up his blanket and tosses it back onto his bed. “Why can’t you go home?” 

Kenta stares at the floor. “Insoo and I had a huge fight.” 

Sanggyun eases himself into a sitting position beside Kenta. “Because of what happened between us at the bar?” 

“No, something else.” Kenta scrubs at his face with his hands. “I had a friend from home visiting and I hadn’t been honest about things between me and Insoo with her either so things just kind of fell apart.” 

“I don’t get that,” Sanggyun says. “Why don’t you just tell people the truth?” 

Kenta bites his lip. “Insoo didn’t tell you everything. He lied for me too.” Kenta takes a deep breath. “I met him when he was seventeen and we were sleeping together.” 

Kenta squeezes his eyes shut, waiting for judgment or disgust or something from Sanggyun, but there’s nothing, so he continues. 

“When I found out he had lied about his age I broke up with him but I wasn’t strong enough to make him give up hope, because I really liked him. So we kept in contact and then when I moved back to Korea we got back together. He was old enough by then.” 

“Was that so hard to say?” Sanggyun asks. 

“What do you mean?” Kenta’s eyes are stinging. “I’m ashamed of how stupid I was.” 

“But it worked out, right? You ended up together.” 

“What?” 

“Does how you met really matter?” 

“It matters to me!” 

Sanggyun shrugs. “You’re a weird one.” 

Kenta sniffles. Sanggyun doesn’t understand. “Thank you for picking me up.” 

“You don’t have to thank me. I was worried something could happen to you. And I felt bad about what happened at the bar.” 

“This is your fault, you know,” Kenta can’t help but scowl. “Since you met Insoo, he and I have been having problems.” 

Sanggyun frowns. “I didn’t mean to start shit with your boyfriend.” 

“Well things aren’t looking so good for us. I’m going home.” Kenta wobbles to his feet, sitting still had helped the world to stop spinning for a moment, but it’s back in motion the moment he stands.

“Are you able to get home?” Sanggyun asks as Kenta almost loses his balance.

“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” Kenta whispers. 

Sanggyun smiles at him a bit sympathetically, “I’ll help you.” 

“You don’t need to,” Kenta says. “I’m fine.” 

Sanggyun still walks with Kenta back to his flat, offering an arm whenever Kenta suddenly loses his balance. He even helps Kenta up the stairs. 

“Thank you,” Kenta sniffles. “Thank you for being good to me when I’ve been mean to you.” 

“I seem to have caused you a lot of problems too.” Sanggyun says. “I hope you and your boyfriend stop fighting.”

“I hope so too,” Kenta says softly. 

But when he opens the door, their flat is still empty. Insoo still hasn’t come back. 

 

Kenta doesn’t know long he sat in front of their door, trying to piece his shattered thoughts together, trying to figure out what Insoo was trying to tell him by saying he needed to think about ‘us.’ Risa eventually came and walked over to him. 

“Kenta.” 

“I’m sorry,” was the only thing Kenta could think to say. How embarrassing for a house guest to have to see such a display. Kenta didn’t think he could look Risa in the face after she witnessed such a fight. 

“Are you okay?” 

Kenta shook his head, but let Risa take him by the arm and help him to his feet. Risa sat him down on the couch, resting her hands on his knees and trying to will Kenta to look at her, like a mother trying to get her child to talk. Kenta hadn’t been able to look at her face, instead studying the rings on Risa’s fingers, the miniscule chip in the nail polish on one of her nails. 

“Kenta, what just happened?” 

Kenta shrugged. What could he say? All of the lies he had been telling people for years had finally caught up to him? That Insoo had once again been unable to bear Kenta’s behavior and stormed out? 

“Was that all true?” 

Kenta nodded, his head dipping further as his face started to heat up with shame. 

Risa squeezed his knees. “Kenta, please say something.” 

“What do you want me to say?” Kenta finally croaked. “What is it that you want to hear, Risa?” 

Risa sighed. “Just tell me the truth, Kenta.” 

Kenta continued to stare at his lap. 

Risa sighed and pulled away. “I’ve already gathered that you didn’t meet at the airport when you came back here. You must’ve met when you did your study abroad here back in uni, and that Korean number texting our friends about staying away from you must’ve been him. How did you actually meet?” 

“I was performing at a nightclub,” Kenta said, still not looking at Risa. “Afterwards, Insoo came up to me and he was flirting with me, so we had sex.” 

“And you didn’t know he was seventeen,” Risa prompted. 

“No,” Kenta sighed. “But I thought he looked young. I didn’t ask him. I should have.” 

“But you didn’t. What then?” 

“He gave me his number and we kept seeing each other. He told me he was nineteen, but he wasn’t. When I found out I tried to cut him off but he kept coming to see me, and I already liked him so I couldn’t really push him away. So we kept talking on and off when I went back home and then when I came back here we decided to start going out officially. He was old enough by then.” 

Risa nodded slowly. “So you don’t tell anyone about how you met?” 

“How can I tell people that?” Kenta had finally looked up. “I’m ashamed of myself for being so stupid. I did something terrible! I can’t just tell people that I was sleeping with a high school student when I was too old for him.” 

Risa sighed heavily. “Did you cheat on him?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” Risa looked offended by the idea of Kenta being unfaithful. “Even when you were being very loose with your partners, you never strung anyone along or went behind anyone’s backs.” 

“I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. It was an emotional thing. He would ask me out on dates and I would go with him and we would both pretend they weren’t dates, but I knew he wanted more. And I…” Kenta trailed off and shrugged helplessly. “I know I did a terrible thing.” 

Risa rubbed her forehead. “What am I supposed to do with you, Kenta?” 

Kenta didn’t know what to say. 

“What are you going to do when he comes back? What are you going to do if he proposes something drastic?” Risa asked. 

“I just need to accept whatever he says,” Kenta said softly. “Even if he wants to end things. I’ve hurt him enough, if he wants something like that, I just have to accept it.” 

“But what are you going to do?” 

Kenta swallowed thickly, knowing tears were forming. “It’s going to destroy me if he really wants to end things. But I’ll accept it, and I’ll probably go back home.” 

Risa sighed heavily and took Kenta’s hands back in hers, squeezing them tightly. 

 

Kenta wakes up alone from a dreamless sleep. 

It’s becoming achingly normal for Kenta to wake up like this, splayed out in their bed, his own body trying to fill its emptiness. Kenta sits up and rubs his face. Insoo hasn’t done this before and Kenta feels anxious because he can’t even see Insoo in his dreams. 

Then again, what’s the point of dreaming now when the nightmare has become reality?

Kenta hasn’t called, trying to respect Insoo demanding space to think. It’s not like calling all night really did anything last time, but Kenta still feels as sick and hollow as he did then. He could text, Kenta supposes. What if Insoo was thinking Kenta didn’t care that he had walked out? Of course it wasn’t the case, but Kenta had waited a long time to try talking and Insoo tended to jump to conclusions. 

It takes him a couple of hours, but Kenta decides to call. Kenta is fully prepared for Insoo to ignore him, so when he picks up with a distracted “Hello?” it takes a second for Kenta to realize he needs to speak. 

“Soosoo.” 

There’s a short silence. “What?” Insoo eventually says. 

It wasn’t like this before, with them both crying. Insoo doesn’t sound like he’s been missing him the way Kenta has been missing Insoo. 

“Are you coming home?” Kenta asks in a tiny voice. “I miss you.” 

There’s another silence. Kenta dares to glance at the screen to make sure Insoo hasn’t hung up on him. Kenta chews on his lower lip, preparing himself to beg for Insoo to just come home so they can talk about things.

“Yeah,” Insoo says. “We need to talk.” 

“We do,” Kenta echoes. 

“I’m staying at school late, but I’ll be back later,” Insoo says before he hangs up. 

Kenta tries to push down his anxious feelings. Insoo said he was going to come home, that was what mattered. Kenta is thankful Insoo wants to talk in the first place. 

Kenta goes to work and the minutes drag. It’s a slow night too so Kenta has nothing to do but sit with his thoughts while Seonho does his homework behind the counter. (Seonho does finally get his wish that there’s leftover cake at the end of the night and Kenta is sure he inhales half of it as they’re closing up the cafe.) 

When Kenta gets home, Insoo’s shoes are by the door and relief fills him. 

“Insoo!” Kenta throws himself at Insoo and squeezes him in a tight hug, trying to ignore the fact that Insoo’s arms are still at his sides and he’s making no move to return the hug. “You’re home.” 

“We need to talk,” Insoo says stiffly. 

“I missed you. I’m glad you came back to me.” 

Insoo pushes him away. Kenta hopes he doesn’t look as crushed as he feels. Insoo looks tired. 

“We need to talk,” he repeats. 

“I know,” Kenta says. 

Insoo sighs. “Do you remember telling me that if our places were switched, you wouldn’t be able to trust me if I had done what you had with Donghan? That you wouldn’t forgive me?” 

“Yes,” Kenta feels his stomach tying itself in knots. 

“You need to answer me honestly,” Insoo is staring into his eyes. “You need to tell me the truth after I tell you this.”

“What is it?” 

Insoo seems to hesitate for a moment. He licks his lips. “I spent the night in someone else’s arms.” 

Kenta wills his body to remain frozen, to not shatter, to not run away and throw up. He clenches his fists tightly behind his back, trying to stay calm. 

“I spent the night with someone else,” Insoo repeats and this time Kenta can’t help but flinch and look away. “So I need to know if I’ve done something that we can’t come back from. I need to know, and you need to tell me the truth.” 

Kenta’s entire body is shaking. He knows it’s Woncheol that Insoo went to and his blood is starting to boil thinking of Woncheol touching Insoo, holding him in bed. 

“How could you,” Kenta’s voice is a tiny pained gasp. “I was giving you the space you wanted to think and you weren’t thinking about us at all,” Kenta can feel himself starting to yell. “You crawled into someone else’s bed when I was here waiting for you!” 

“I didn’t have sex with him,” Insoo says tiredly. “We slept in the same bed, that’s all.” 

Kenta bites down hard on his tongue to keep from yelling more. Anyway, he’s in no position to lecture Insoo about cheating when Kenta did it first. 

“Please tell me,” Insoo says softly, “if that’s something you and I can’t come back from.” 

“Why did you do it?” Kenta mumbles. “Did you want to be with him that badly?” 

“No,” Insoo sighs. “I just wanted to talk to him.” 

Kenta thinks about how he told Risa he would just accept whatever Insoo said, to agree with whatever conclusion Insoo had come to, but he didn’t expect Insoo to ask him to make the choice. 

“Aren’t you just telling me you want to break up? Just tell me if you want to be with someone else. You seem to want that, so why do I have to decide?” Kenta asks a little bitterly, looking away from Insoo. 

“I don’t want that,” Insoo grabs Kenta’s shoulder. “Look at me, I don’t want that.” Insoo shakes him a little so Kenta will look at him. “I slept in someone else’s arms and he cares about me so much he’d take the moon out of the sky if I wanted him to but I still woke up the next day thinking about you. You know that it’s always you.” Insoo lets him go. “But I know what you said before. You have to decide, because I’m always going to want to try and fix things.” 

Kenta starts crying. 

“You don’t have to answer me now,” Insoo says softly. “Just be sure you give me your sincere answer when you do.” 

Kenta wants Insoo to hold him, to reach out and embrace him and comfort him. But he also feels cold inside, questioning if what he said is true, if he really won’t be able to see Insoo the same way.

 

Insoo is still asleep when Kenta wakes up, his body angled away from Kenta’s, and Kenta’s heart hurts thinking about Insoo moving away from him in his sleep. Kenta slides over to rest his head against Insoo’s back. 

He loves Insoo.

Kenta really does love Insoo, he loves him so much. And as much as it burns and stings that Insoo would want to be with someone else, Kenta has to own up to his part in pushing Insoo away. Kenta pushes himself closer and wraps his arm around Insoo’s stomach.

But is the thought of Insoo sleeping in Woncheol’s arms too much for Kenta to get over? He thinks about Woncheol’s perfectly handsome face and wonders. 

What did Insoo see in Woncheol that made him fall in love when they were younger? 

Insoo said it was because of his looks, which Kenta could understand. Woncheol was tall and handsome. But Insoo also said it was Woncheol’s personality that he liked, his calmness and demure attitude and how he knew what Insoo was always feeling. Comparatively, Kenta can’t help but feel a bit inadequate. Especially when it came to understanding some of Insoo’s moodiness, Kenta didn’t think he could compare at all. So if Insoo was missing Woncheol, Kenta hated to admit that he understood why Insoo would want to see him and talk to him and be with him. 

But Kenta did the same thing. What was it about Donghan that made Kenta feel the same way? 

It was something about the way Donghan looked at him with the same kind of unabashed interest that Insoo had when they met, that same kind of adoring gaze that flattered Kenta and made him feel wanted. Donghan was just as forward as Insoo was, and Kenta had been drawn in by that confidence, and of course Donghan was handsome. 

Kenta couldn’t stop seeing Donghan either, even when the line between meeting as friends and going on dates was becoming very blurry. Kenta knew Donghan liked him, but Kenta also knew he was never going to consider pursuing Donghan romantically or sexually. He had Insoo, and Insoo had been behaving maturely, and talking to Kenta about his feelings. But even though Kenta was pleased by Insoo making those strides, it was easy to ignore when Insoo wasn’t always waiting for him and raging.

When Insoo had reached the end of his rope, it was easy enough for Kenta to move away from Donghan and refocus his energies on Insoo. And Insoo had trusted him to take him back and love him more and Kenta had disappointed him yet again. Compared to almost a month of emotional cheating, how was Kenta in any position to hold grudges about one night where he had made Insoo feel lonely enough to reach out to a man who always understood him? 

Kenta squeezes his eyes shut, trying to dispel the feelings of betrayal and anxiety within himself. 

 

“Do you still have feelings for him?” Kenta asks later, when Insoo is awake and they’re laying side by side.

“He’s someone that I’m always going to care about,” Insoo replies. “But they’re not romantic feelings.” 

Kenta reaches and trails his fingertips down Insoo’s arm. “Does he have romantic feelings for you?” 

“I don’t think so,” Insoo says softly. “He said he still loved me, but it wasn’t the same.” 

Worry spikes inside of Kenta’s gut. 

“I told you,” Insoo adds, “it’s always you for me. Even when I was with him, I was thinking about you.” 

“But you still went to him,” Kenta begins to pull his hand away slowly. 

Insoo grabs his hand. “I know I did. There was no one for me to talk to.” Insoo squeezes his hand. “Do you know how it feels when everyone around you is happy, so you don’t feel like you can talk to them? I had no one else to talk to.” 

Kenta pulls his hand away more firmly. “You could have just come back home.” 

“I wasn’t ready to talk to you again,” Insoo says. 

“Why? What did you need to think about so much?” 

“What I always have to think about,” Insoo sighs heavily. “If I’m really willing to love you more than you love me. If it’s really okay that I’ll accept anything from you if you’re still looking at me.” 

Kenta’s mouth goes dry. 

“I think that I’m starting to get more selfish,” Insoo is almost whispering. “I’m starting to feel unwilling to settle for you loving me less.” 

“I do love you,” Kenta says hoarsely. 

“Then why don’t you tell people the truth about us? We fought about that so long ago and you said you would be more honest, but you haven’t been.” 

“I know I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean I love you less…” 

Insoo sits up. “I wasn’t unhappy before this. Do you know that? I didn’t think we were having any problems other than us being busy and you having nightmares and then when your friend came I realized that maybe you weren’t happy being with me anymore and I didn’t know what to do. But I wasn’t unhappy. I didn’t think that anything else was going wrong.”

Kenta sits up and rests his head on Insoo’s shoulder. “Those nightmares I was having, I haven’t had them since you left. They were about you. Every night I would dream about you leaving me.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I told you, I was afraid if I said it out loud it would happen. When you left, I thought it had happened anyway.” 

Insoo frowns. “And what did you mean when you said you imagined what life would be like if we never met? Do you wish we had never met?” 

“No, no,” Kenta says desperately, grabbing Insoo’s arm. “It’s not that.”

“Then what the hell did you mean?” Insoo shakes Kenta off. 

“If you hadn’t met me, would you be happier? I think about how much you suffer because of me and I think, yes, if we never met you’d be happier.” 

Insoo pushes himself up from the bed. 

“Insoo!” 

“Don’t talk to me,” Insoo says as leaves the room. 

Kenta flops back against the mattress and groans into his hands. 

 

Insoo continues being distant, even when he and Kenta are both home, and Kenta notices that Insoo waits until Kenta has fallen asleep to move out onto the couch. It hurts because Kenta doesn’t know what to say to fix things, when Insoo is being so detached. 

Kenta doesn’t know how his days pass when he goes to class and goes to work and comes home and he just feels stuck in a fog. Insoo is distant, doesn’t touch him, and barely acknowledges him at all. 

“You still haven’t answered me,” Insoo finally says after a few days of living in silence. 

“What?” Kenta blinks. 

“When I asked you if what I had done was too much for you to forgive,” Insoo replies. “You haven’t given me an answer about that.”

Kenta’s eyes sting. “I don’t want to think about you with anyone else,” he mumbles. 

Insoo is quiet for a moment before sighing and walking into their room. Kenta feels his knees weaken but he doesn’t collapse. He eventually follows Insoo into their room and crawls on top of Insoo on their bed.

“Hyung?” 

Kenta kisses Insoo firmly, cupping his face in his hands and straddling his waist. Insoo wraps his arms around Kenta’s waist and Kenta’s heart sings. How long has it been since Insoo touched him? Kenta kisses him more insistently, tugging at Insoo’s shirt and eventually tugging it off. 

They peel each other’s clothes off, Kenta marveling at how unfamiliar Insoo’s body seems to him now. He had gained weight in the winter so Kenta liked finding where Insoo was nice and soft, but now Insoo was back to being lean and muscular, and Kenta smooths his hands over his strong waist. 

Kenta reaches behind him to work himself open as Insoo continues to kiss him, and Kenta is impatient to have him. Insoo hasn’t even casually touched him in so long and Kenta suddenly feels starved for the feeling of Insoo’s body on his. 

Kenta doesn’t stretch himself enough and he gasps in pain when he sinks down onto Insoo. Insoo is gripping his waist tightly, eyes squeezed shut as he bucks up into Kenta and Kenta grinds down onto him, trying to keep his balance by placing his hands on Insoo’s chest. Insoo takes his hands off Kenta’s waist to pull Kenta’s hands to grip his throat. 

“Soosoo?” 

Insoo keeps Kenta’s hands firmly around his throat and squeezes so Kenta is choking him. Kenta can feel the shallowness of Insoo’s breath and the erratic jerking of his hips and part of him wants to let go even though he knows Insoo likes this. 

Insoo comes inside of him, and Kenta quickly follows, collapsing on Insoo chest and finally letting go of Insoo’s throat. He can feel Insoo’s chest heaving, and hear him raggedly gasping for breath. Kenta kisses Insoo’s throat gently as Insoo reaches to pet his hair. 

“I love you,” Kenta whispers against Insoo’s ear. “Do you know my answer now?” 

 

Hwanwoong comes into the cafe by himself and he looks a little nervous. 

“Hi, Hwanwoongie,” Kenta says, wiping his hands on his apron.

“Hi, Kenta hyung. Are you going on your break soon?” 

Kenta blinks. “My break? I guess I can take my break soon, but why?” 

“I wanted to ask you something. Privately.” 

Kenta nods. He wonders if Hwanwoong needs girl advice, and he also wonders if he’s qualified to give girl advice. It’s not busy, so Kenta tells Taemin he’s taking his break and goes outside the cafe with Hwanwoong. 

Hwanwoong looks significantly more nervous. “Look,” he says. “I wasn’t going to say anything because it’s not really my business and you and Insoo always work something out in the end but I really just had to.” He sighs. “I know something’s up because he’s been in a shitty mood - well, he’s always in a shitty mood, but it’s been shittier lately - and I was just going to ignore him but…” Hwanwoong glances at Kenta furtively. “Look, he was trying to hide it but we saw anyway and he didn’t want to talk about it so…” 

“Saw what?” Kenta asks, not really sure where Hwanwoong is going.

Hwanwoong’s gaze hardens a little and Kenta shrinks. “Insoo has a ring of bruises around his neck. No matter how bad things get between you two, you can’t…” 

“I didn’t do that!” Kenta cuts Hwanwoong off frantically. “I wouldn’t do that to him. We don’t fight like that!” 

“I completely believe Insoo is stupid enough to get into a fight and get choked out by some stranger but if that were true he’d be talking about it, and I really don’t want to think it’s you, hyung, but what do you want me to think?” 

Kenta’s knee jerk reaction is to lie - lie like he always does to avoid admitting to something he doesn’t want to - but he can’t. He can’t lie to Hwanwoong about Insoo, anyway, as uncomfortable as it is to admit to something Kenta wasn’t even aware he’d done, it’s not like he was actually confessing to hurting Insoo. 

Kenta steps closer to Hwanwoong, trying to whisper. “I did make those bruises, but it’s not what you think.” Kenta thinks he must sound very shaken, very desperate. “It wasn’t because we were fighting, it was sexual, that happened when we were having sex.” 

Hwanwoong’s face shifts from anger to confusion to disgust and settles back at anger. “You two are repulsive,” he groans. “I know you’re into weird stuff but can’t you do something else so people don’t misunderstand!” 

“I’m sorry,” Kenta whimpers. 

Hwawoong rubs his face. “I’m sorry for thinking you would choke him. I mean, I understand why you’d want to choke Insoo because I’ve wanted to choke him many times over the too long span of time I’ve known him, but I didn’t think… ugh, why couldn’t he have just said it’s a kink? I hate that guy.” 

Kenta smiles weakly. “I’m grateful Insoo has friends who are willing to… well, what were you going to do if I had told you I had hurt him? Fight me?” 

Hwanwoong shrugs. “I was expecting to be wrong, so I didn’t really think about what I would do if I was right.” 

Hwanwoong apologizes again and leaves and Kenta goes back to work, wondering how bad Insoo’s neck looks to prompt Hwanwoong to come and confront him. 

 

Insoo is home when Kenta gets home, making curry on their stovetop. 

“That smells so good,” Kenta says as he wraps his arms around Insoo’s waist. Kenta doesn’t know what Insoo was wearing earlier, but now he’s wearing one of his rattier tank tops and the bruises around his neck are dark and stark against his skin. Insoo lets Kenta taste the curry and Kenta nods approvingly. “You know,” Kenta presses the tip of his nose against one of the bruises. “Hwanwoong came and confronted me about these. He told me no matter how much we were fighting, I couldn’t do this kind of thing.” 

“What did you tell him?” 

“That it was a sex thing,” Kenta says. “Why didn’t you just say so? Hwanwoong said you wouldn’t say, and that you’ve been in a bad mood.” 

Insoo shrugs. “I just didn’t feel like talking about it.” 

Kenta hooks his chin over Insoo’s shoulder. “Is something still on your mind?” 

Insoo doesn’t answer him as he turns off the stove. “How hungry are you?” he asks instead. Kenta frowns but says he’s starving as Insoo begins ladling curry onto a plate. 

Insoo continues to be quiet as they eat, and Kenta notices how much food Insoo is shoveling into his mouth and frowns. It’s a clear sign he’s stressed. 

“Soosoo,” Kenta scrapes his nails down Insoo’s back while Insoo’s washing dishes. “I know something is on your mind.” 

Insoo still isn’t answering. Kenta sticks his hands underneath Insoo’s shirt; digs in his nails a little sharper, drags them down Insoo’s back hard enough to leave thin lines on his skin. 

“Soosoo,” Kenta simpers as Insoo’s drying off his hands. “Talk to me.” 

They end up in their bed, Kenta riding Insoo - a little less frantic and rough this time - and when Kenta curls up in Insoo’s arms, that’s when Insoo finally talks. 

“You didn’t tell me in words,” Insoo says softly, “that you’re choosing me.” 

Kenta looks at him. “You’re the one for me. I’m only looking at you.” 

Insoo reaches to stroke Kenta’s hair. “Is something supposed to be different now?” Insoo asks staring at their ceiling. “Last time you promised to make me happier, and you did. Is something supposed to feel different now? Do you need me to promise you something?” 

Kenta shakes his head. “No. I’m happy enough knowing you came back to me. It’s because of me that you feel pushed away, so I should be promising to make you happier again.” 

“Is it really okay that I spent the night with Woncheol?” 

Kenta can’t help but wince. “It hurts,” he admits softly. “But you were willing to forgive me for something a lot more serious, so I forgive you for that.” 

“I love you,” Insoo says. “It’s been only you for a very long time.” 

And yet, the next few days are suffocatingly similar. Insoo doesn’t become any less distant, and grows less and less enthusiastic about sex until he finally pushes Kenta away and says he isn’t the mood. He sleeps with his back turned to Kenta and doesn’t talk much. Kenta doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what else there is to do to make Insoo act like himself again. 

And then Kenta has the nightmare again. 

 

“You look pretty shitty.” 

Kenta doesn’t have the energy to tell Sanggyun to fuck off. Anyway, Sanggyun was nice to him when he brought him home after Kenta drank himself unconscious, so Kenta shouldn’t be rude. 

“You’re right,” he sighs. 

Sanggyun raises his eyebrows. “Are you sick, Kenta sshi? You’re actually agreeing with me.” 

Kenta puts his head down, the desire to be nice evaporating. “Leave me alone,” he says into the table. 

He can hear Sanggyun pulling up the chair across from him. “Are things still bad with your boyfriend?” 

Kenta shrugs. Honestly, he doesn’t know. He and Insoo seemingly made up with words, but Insoo is still keeping him at arm's length and Kenta doesn’t know what to do to make Insoo look at him the same way. 

“Have things gotten any better?” 

Kenta lifts his head and nods a tiny bit. It’s true. Insoo is home and they sleep in the same bed even if Insoo moves away in his sleep and is quiet around the house, Insoo is there. 

“Well, that’s better than not being able to go home and passing out drunk in my house.” 

Kenta nods. “Sanggyun, can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.” 

“Why did you tell me you liked Insoo? Were you being serious, or were you just trying to bother me?” 

Sanggyun leans back in his chair. “Both reasons, I guess. If Insoo were single, he’s a type I like, that’s true. But I was also having fun pushing your buttons. I can tell you’re a possessive type, so it was fun to make you angry.” 

“I’m not a possessive type,” Kenta protests. “I’ve never been a possessive type.” 

“That’s why you told me Insoo was yours and to not look at him - you’re not possessive?” 

“He’s the possessive one.” Kenta says. “He’s usually the one doing that kind of thing. I was feeling insecure about things so I got more possessive.” 

“And now he isn’t acting possessive towards you at all?” Sanggyun guesses. 

Kenta puts his head down again. Insoo doesn’t talk to him when he comes home so Kenta doesn’t know what Insoo does during the day or who he spends time with, and then Insoo doesn’t ask about Kenta’s day either but he doesn’t look bothered by anything. Before, Insoo wanted to know everything. It used to be suffocating to Kenta. Kenta used to wish Insoo would stop asking so many questions about where he was, or who he was with. Sometimes Kenta wouldn’t even answer, or only give vague answers because it annoyed him. And now Kenta feels just as suffocated by Insoo’s silence. 

Is this how Insoo feels all the time? 

Some tiny part of Kenta is afraid Insoo is doing this on purpose, to make Kenta really feel the kind of agony that Insoo must always feel, so Kenta knows what it’s like for him. Kenta’s had enough and it’s only been a couple of days. He can’t imagine being Insoo, being younger and more emotional and more full of fear, and aching like this for years. 

But Insoo isn’t cruel. He doesn’t do things to hurt Kenta on purpose and he never has. If he’s acting differently it’s because something is still wrong, something that Kenta still hasn’t figured out. Maybe it has nothing to do with Kenta at all, maybe it’s all school stress. Kenta knows better and knows he has some part in this, but doesn’t know how to make anything better. 

“He used to chase me so insistently I got tired of it,” Kenta admits. “But because of that, I always knew when I had done something wrong. If he was willing to stop chasing me, I knew I had messed up. Now he isn’t chasing me, but we’ve also sort of made up. I don’t know what to do when it’s like this.” 

“What did you guys fight about? You said it wasn’t just because of the bar.” 

“It was a lot of things,” Kenta sighs. “The bar just set things off, but they were brewing for a while.” 

“What kinds of things were brewing?” 

Kenta glances at Sanggyun. He doesn’t really want to talk to Sanggyun about Insoo. Even if Sanggyun was being nice, Kenta still doesn’t really trust him. 

“You already know,” Kenta says carefully. “I cheated on Insoo before. When he saw you holding my face, he thought we were about to kiss, so he got mad because he thought I was going behind his back again.” Insoo looks at Sanggyun again. “Why did you grab me like that? What were you going to do?” 

“I don’t know. I think I was just trying to scare you.” 

Kenta scowls. “Really? Just to scare me? Do you have any idea the kind of mess you made of my life because you wanted to scare me?” 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know things were like that with you two.” 

“Did you do it because you knew we’d fight? We’d fight, and you’d swoop in to talk to Insoo, because he’s your type and you thought you’d have a chance?” 

Sanggyun looks deflated. “No, Kenta, it wasn’t like that.”

Kenta feels dizzy. “I never liked you anyway,” he says bitingly. “You’re just Longguo’s not-friend and I always thought you were annoying. You’ve done enough, don’t you think?” 

“Kenta.” 

Kenta pushes himself up from the table and walks away, head pounding with a headache that’s just come on. He can’t talk to Sanggyun. It doesn’t matter if Sanggyun has been trying to make nice. It doesn’t even matter that Kenta was actually grateful to him. He’s feeling entirely too insecure to handle Sanggyun telling him that he did annoying things just because he could, without any regard for how Kenta’s relationship would be affected. Kenta rubs his forehead, wishing his headache would go away. 

 

Kenta wakes again from the nightmare, his shirt clinging to his sweaty body. He buries his face in his knees and reminds himself to breathe, that it’s just a dream, and that Insoo is right beside him. Insoo shifts so he can sit up beside Kenta, resting one hand on Kenta’s back gently. That’s not even the same as the nights when Insoo would hold Kenta until he calmed down. Kenta wants to ask Insoo to hold him but he can’t. He feels too fragile right now anyway and he doesn’t know if he could take Insoo rejecting him. 

“What do you dream about?” Insoo asks when Kenta feels calmer. “You said you dreamed about me leaving you, but what happens in the dream?” 

“You tell me you don’t love me anymore and you leave,” Kenta says. “I can’t do anything but watch you walk away from me.”

“You’re dreaming about that again?” 

“Yes.” 

“Has the dream ever been different?” 

“The only time that it was different was after I met Woncheol. You told me you didn’t love me and then you walked away with him.” Kenta’s mouth feels dry.

Insoo is quiet. “I saw him yesterday. We ran into each other, and he asked me about,” Insoo reaches up to touch his throat, and the bruises that are finally starting to fade. “He wanted to know if I was okay.” 

Kenta’s stomach feels sour as he rolls over so he can turn his back to Insoo. “Are you doing this on purpose?” he mutters. “I tell you I have nightmares about you leaving me for him so you tell me you’ve seen him? Are you trying to hurt me?” 

Insoo grabs his shoulder. “No, Kenta hyung, that’s not it…” 

Kenta pulls away. “You don’t act like yourself, you barely acknowledge me when I’m right here, and I don’t know what to do. You’re punishing me.” 

“I’m not trying to. I’m not trying to hurt you.” 

“You are,” Kenta grits his teeth. “I understand. I’m finally getting to experience how you must have felt every day for the past five years. I understand. You’ve made your point.” 

Insoo grabs his shoulder and turns Kenta to face him. “I’m not trying to hurt you,” he repeats. He looks anxious. “I’m not trying to punish you.” 

“Then why are you being like this?” Kenta asks. He hopes he isn’t going to cry. 

“I’m sorry,” Insoo says. “I’m not trying to hurt you. Something else is bothering me.” He looks away. “Because I’m still immature, I must be taking it out on you without meaning to.” 

Kenta rolls back over. “I know what I’ve done to hurt you, but this time you’re the one who crossed a line, so why are you making me pay for it?” 

He can hear Insoo slumping over. “I’m sorry.” 

“What’s bothering you so much?” Kenta demands. “What’s weighing on you so much that you’re being cold to me?” 

Insoo is quiet. Kenta sighs exasperatedly. 

“I’ve been thinking about something you said,” Insoo eventually says. “That you think my life would be better if I hadn’t met you.” 

Kenta doesn’t answer. 

“You’re wrong,” Insoo continues. “I would be more miserable if I hadn’t met you. If I think about my life where the only difference is I never met you, I wouldn’t be happy.”

Kenta looks over his shoulder. Insoo isn’t looking at him. 

“If I never met you, but everything else in my life was the same, that means I’d see all of my closest friends date and fall in love but I wouldn’t have you. I’d be jealous of them. If I saw Eunki finally meet a nice guy but I was alone, I would be jealous of him. If Sangbin and Jaechan started going out when Sangbin told me over and over our relationship was only about sex, I would be miserable. If Hwanwoong finally met a girl who wasn’t a lesbian or way out of his league, even if he claims they can’t date right now, she still likes him, but I would still be alone and unlovable after all the shit I gave Hwanwoong about no one liking him. And even if I met Woncheol again, I don’t know if he would even want me if I was that angry, jealous person. I would probably stifle him too with my paranoia and my neediness and he wouldn’t want that. He’d realize that he wouldn’t want me. But I have you. You make me happy.”

Kenta rolls over. Insoo turns his head to look at him. “Hyung, do I still make you happy?”

 

“I’ll come pick up hyung from the airport,” was what Insoo had said, but Kenta had remained skeptical. It had been a cold day and Kenta hadn’t much liked the idea of waiting for Insoo when he might not show up at all. Kenta disembarked the plane, waited at the baggage claim, picked up his suitcases, and then headed out. Kenta really hadn’t expected Insoo to be there, but there he was. 

His Insoo. His beautiful Insoo. 

Kenta had gone to him immediately, let himself be swallowed up in Insoo’s tight embrace. Insoo had felt so different. He was different. How had he only become more beautiful in their time apart? He felt different under Kenta’s hands and Kenta was suddenly filled with the desire to trace and touch and learn every new flat plane and soft curve of Insoo’s body. He was suddenly a great unknown and Kenta was burning to reacquaint himself with the boy - now a man - he’d been missing so much. 

Under his clothes, Insoo had been very much the same, overeager and hot. He devoured Kenta like he was a starving man and Kenta was the only thing that could satisfy his hunger. And Kenta, who hadn’t been able to sleep with anyone who could please him like Insoo had, was just as desperate for Insoo’s touch. And afterwards, Insoo clung to him as if he was afraid Kenta was going to disappear.

Kenta had been happy. Of course, he was finally with Insoo and they were happy. But Insoo sometimes felt so young, and it showed a lot when Insoo acted possessive or was vocal about his jealousy. It made them fight, but it was never all that serious, and they made up as quickly as they got angry.

When had it changed? 

Before the summer, when Kenta met Insoo’s parents, when Insoo told him that he wanted to be with him forever - Kenta heard those words and did what? He cheated on Insoo in the summer. But they made up. Kenta had never felt more in love, but when he visited home in the winter, why had he been tongue tied when his friends asked where his boyfriend was? Even his mother had asked when she would get to meet him, the man that was keeping her son far away in Korea. 

And now, Kenta had to wonder about Insoo’s happiness. How much was Insoo going to endure because of him? How did Insoo feel all of those times when Kenta was dismissive? How many times did Kenta unconsciously hurt him? How many times had Insoo quietly been hurt when Kenta had been insensitive to his needs? 

And of course, why was Insoo still putting up with it? 

 

Risa calls him. 

“How are things between you? You haven’t moved back home behind our backs, have you?” 

“They’re bad,” Kenta says frankly. “But I haven’t given up yet.”

Risa is quiet. “I thought you were going to agree with his decision.” 

“His decision was I had to decide because he wasn’t going to end things unless that was what I wanted. I don’t want that, but things haven’t gotten better.” 

“It may take a long time,” she says. “I only saw one brief fight but I could tell how deep your boyfriend’s hurt went. He might not want to end things, but you probably have to make a very strong case about making things up to him, especially if you’ve let him down multiple times before.” 

“I know. It’s hard. He doesn’t act interested, and it hurts me because I can’t tell if he’s just putting up with me because he doesn’t know anyone else.” 

“Sometimes cruelty can be kind,” Risa adds sagely. “If you think you’re stringing him along, it might be kinder of you to cut him free.” 

“Don’t,” Kenta begs. “Don’t say that. I love him a lot. I don’t want to lose him.” 

“Clearly you have to prove that to him,” Risa says. 

 

Kenta doesn’t have the nightmare, and it unsettles him more than the last time he had abruptly stopped having the nightmares. Insoo isn’t in bed and not in their apartment and Kenta sighs heavily at the emptiness. 

Do I still make you happy? That’s what Insoo asked him. Kenta’s knee jerk answer was, yes, of course Insoo still made him happy. He didn’t want to think more deeply about it. What answer would he uncover if he tried to dig more deeply? 

Kenta wasn’t unhappy. Insoo said he hadn’t been unhappy either. Even when they fought, even when it took a long time to make up, Kenta wasn’t unhappy. He said as much to Donghan once, that he had chosen Insoo, and chosen to love him, even the parts of him that were difficult to love, and chose him over and over again. And Kenta knew he was always Insoo’s choice, and for Insoo there was no one else to choose. 

Kenta curls up behind Insoo when they sleep and stubbornly holds onto him. He doesn’t like Insoo wriggling away in the night, so Kenta holds on tightly, pressing kisses to the back of Insoo’s neck. 

“You do make me happy,” Kenta tells him. “No one else has ever compared to you.” 

“Do you mean that?” 

“Yes.” Kenta squeezes him tighter. “When I left, I was trying to forget about you. And I saw a lot of people but I couldn’t click with anyone else because I kept thinking of you, and comparing them to you. You were always the one, even if I didn’t know it yet.”

Insoo rolls over to embrace Kenta. Kenta’s heart is beating faster as Insoo holds him close.

“Soosoo,” Kenta can feel tears stinging his eyes. “Soosoo, are we going to be okay?” 

“Yes,” Insoo murmurs, crushing Kenta even more tightly to him. “Yes, yes, we are.” 

“I trust you,” Kenta says hoarsely. “I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.” 

Insoo seems to be trying to make it impossible to find where he ends and Kenta begins and Kenta wants nothing more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter will be a shorter epilogue-like chapter


	5. coda - don't draw a future without me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello! we have reached the end! thank you so much for reading this and i hope you enjoy the final chapter! 
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter title comes from JBJ95's "Stay"

Insoo sleeps with his mouth open and he drools onto Kenta’s shoulder most nights. Kenta doesn’t mind the drool but he tells Insoo teasingly that there’s nothing quite like waking up to Insoo’s dragon breath when they sleep nose to nose. Insoo pretends to grumble that he can’t do anything about it and tells Kenta that at least his mouth breathing can make a reliable alarm clock. Insoo whines a lot about getting up anyway, and curls up against Kenta, saying he should just drop out of school to stay in bed all day. Kenta pokes him in the sides until Insoo grudgingly rolls out of bed. 

Kenta wonders if a lot of this is just too good to be true, if they can really be living this peacefully after fighting so much and after if felt like things were finally going to end. It’s more worrying to think that they just might keep cycling through periods of peace after periods of constant fighting until one of them reached their limit. And yet, that one tearful embrace seemed to set Insoo back at ease and he had become much more affectionate. Kenta tries to take things as they are, but worry still gnaws at him. 

“Are you sure we’re okay?” he asks.

“Are you not okay?” Insoo returns. 

Kenta swallows nervously. “I just don’t want this to be a cycle. A few months of peace and then something happens that almost tears us apart and then we make up and it repeats. I don’t want that.”

Insoo agrees. “I don’t want that either.”

“You make me worried,” Kenta says softly, “when you say things like you’ll forgive me for anything. I don’t deserve that kind of generosity, and it scares me to think that you’d be willing to accept anything from me. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want our relationship to hurt you.”

Insoo considers this. “I’m not accepting anything from you. I don’t want you to be a different person. I know how you are, and I know there are parts of you that won’t change. I know a lot of things are my problem, my perceptions and the way I feel.” 

Kenta opens his mouth to protest but Insoo cuts him off. 

“I told someone that I know you could have any guy you wanted, so there had to be something special about me that makes you decide to stay with me. And you told Donghan that you chose to love me, even the difficult parts of me. I’m the same. You’re the one I’m always going to choose, and I choose all of you, even the difficult parts.” 

Kenta frowns. “But Woncheol…” 

“I told him that too. I told him it’s always going to be you. He just wants me to make the decisions that will make me happy. I started thinking that if we were together, he’d always tell me to do whatever made me happier, even if it meant not being with him anymore.” Insoo looks down. “I don’t want that. That’s awful for me. I need someone more selfish than that. I want someone who tells me I’m theirs.” 

Kenta doesn’t know what to say. 

“Woncheol used to make me afraid of being unhappy, because I would see him and remember how happy I was with him. But then I did what I was always afraid of doing - giving in to myself and picking him over you, touching him again, being with him. But I was still thinking of you, and thinking that Woncheol didn’t feel right anymore. When I was younger, I thought he was the answer to all of my problems and he filled all of my emptiness. It wasn’t the same, and he felt that too. He still loves me and cares about me, and I feel the same for him, but it’s not what it was. We both moved on from each other romantically and giving in confirmed that.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kenta says eventually. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know. For thinking I was depriving you of your happiness. For not understanding what you really wanted from me.” 

Insoo sits closer to Kenta and strokes his hair. “Hyung, all I wanted was to be the only one for you. For you to love me as much as I love you.” 

“I love you so much,” Kenta says softly. 

“I know, hyung,” Insoo smiles. “I love you too.” 

Kenta inches closer so he can rest his forehead against Insoo’s and look into his eyes. Insoo is staring back lovingly. 

“Do you know what really sets you apart from all the others? What really makes me always come back to you?” 

Insoo shakes his head. 

“I always want to come back. When you’re away from me, I want to see you. Other boyfriends, if we ever fought I didn’t care, if we broke up I didn’t mind. But you, whenever we have to be apart it hurts me, and I want to be with you. I’m not a possessive type, you know I’m not, but when Sanggyun said things about liking you, I couldn’t help but feel possessive.”

Insoo kisses him and Kenta wraps his arms around him, trying to pull Insoo in closer. 

“I love you,” Kenta says when they pull away for air. “I want us to be happy.”

“You do make me happy,” Insoo’s eyes are wet. “It’s always been you for me.” 

Kenta kisses Insoo again, clinging onto him as tightly as he can. 

 

Kenta had been emptying out his pockets at the end of the night, dumping things onto his bed without any real care and then picking through the stuff and throwing away the trash. He yawned as he crumpled up his receipts, then paused at a folded up napkin. Kenta unfolded it carefully. It was a phone number and a name, Insoo. Kenta paused, smoothing his thumb over the name again and smiling. 

He’d call Insoo, but not yet. He’d give it a few days, wait until he had a day off of work. Anyway, it would probably be fun to make someone that odd and overeager sweat a little bit waiting for Kenta to call. 

 

Kenta goes with Insoo to his campus to hole up in the library and listen to Hwanwoong whine about his many grievances. 

“I just hate looking at them when they talk to each other,” Hwanwoong groans. “There’s so much sexual tension for no reason. Sangbin asks if Jaechan had a good class and Jaechan blushes. Why? What is there to blush about?”

“Don’t complain about my son,” Insoo chides. “He’s a nice boy. That hyung is just a terrible influence on him.” 

“Eunki and Jung Jung hyung are just as bad but at least they’re cute. I’m half afraid Sangbin’s just going to whip out his dick in the middle of the library at some point.” Hwanwoong slumps over. 

“My son is very cute,” Insoo repeats. “Sangbin hyung is just very bad for him.” 

Kenta snuggles against Insoo’s side. Hwanwoong scowls. “And you two are back to being gross too.” 

“You’re just jealous.” 

“I am not.” 

Kenta is about to ask about the cute girl he’s seen Hwanwoong with when Hwanwoong suddenly sits up straighter. 

“Hello, Yeo sunbae.” It’s the cute girl, arm in arm with another girl, and she bows to Hwanwoong and smiles at him. She and her friend don’t linger, and she doesn’t notice Kenta, though the friend glances back over her shoulder as they pass. Hwanwoong slumps in his seat. 

Gears start turning in Kenta’s head. “Ah,” he says sadly. “She is a lesbian.” 

Hwanwoong snaps back to attention. “Goeun is not a lesbian!” 

Kenta gasps. “Have you already broken up then?” 

Hwanwoong sputters. “We never dated!” He glares at Insoo. “I told you seven hundred times…” 

“And I ignored you seven hundred times,” Insoo drawls. 

“We can’t date right now!” Hwanwoong huffs. 

“But why? You two look very cute together. She seems to like you.” Kenta pouts. 

“Like I told your boyfriend over and over, we can’t date right now. She’s doing the same double major as me, so I’m officially doing peer advising with her about her courses and her academics, so it wouldn’t be appropriate if we dated.” Hwanwoong sighs. 

“But you’ve come to the cafe on dates,” Kenta says. “Our whole staff knows you’re on dates.” 

“They’re not dates!” 

“Hwanwoong has never been interested in a girl who likes him back so he doesn’t know what to do,” Insoo snorts. “I’m sure no one would care if you started going out.” 

“Is it because you will be the same height if she wears high heels?” Kenta asks. 

Hwanwoong balls up some paper and throws it at him. “No one asked you!” 

“That’s definitely why,” Insoo stages whispers and Kenta giggles into his arm while Hwanwoong starts packing up his things, angrily saying that they’re both terrible people and he doesn’t need their input on anything. 

 

Insoo had texted that he would come and pick Kenta up from the airport. Kenta had been thrumming with excitement since the plane landed. It had been so long since they’d seen each other, even if Kenta was happily catching up with his family and friends, he was missing Insoo and looking forward to being back home with him. 

Kenta picked up his luggage and headed out of the terminal, beginning to pick up speed as soon as he caught sight of Insoo waiting on the other side. Kenta dropped all his things, belatedly wincing because of his laptop in the backpack he threw on the floor, but he forgot as soon as he leapt into Insoo’s arms and kissed him. 

“I missed you,” Kenta said when he and Insoo finally separated. “I’m so happy to be home.” 

“I missed you so much,” Insoo had smiled as he set Kenta down. “I’m not going to let you out of my sight for a week.”

“I was gone for a month but you’re only going to keep me in your sights for a week?” 

Insoo picked up Kenta’s fallen luggage and then pulled him for another kiss. “Fine, I won’t let you out of bed for a week, is that better?” 

Kenta smiled. “Much better.”

 

Hyunbin calls.

“I’m going to be in Korea for some jobs and you promised to come double date with me and my girlfriend. Risa mentioned some trouble in paradise. Do you have a boyfriend to go on a double date with?” 

Kenta snorts. “Yes, I have a boyfriend to go with. Name a time and place and the dress code.” 

Hyunbin picks a cramped underground bar and tells Kenta to dress casually. Kenta tells Insoo that one of his friend’s from home wants to meet and Insoo agrees to go.

“His name is Hyunbin. He’s a Korean friend, so you don’t need to worry.” Kenta says. 

Insoo smiles. “I did okay with Risa, didn’t I?” 

“Yes, you did,” Kenta smiles. 

Hyunbin is already there, and he lifts Kenta in a hug before politely bowing to Insoo. The gears look like they’re turning in Insoo’s head though Kenta isn’t sure why. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Hyunbin says. “I’m Hyunbin. I’ve been friends with Kenta since we were in university.”

“I’m Insoo. You look a bit familiar, but I’m trying to remember where I could have seen you.” Insoo says politely.

“We haven’t met before, but it’s possible you might know my face. Oh, my girlfriend is coming too,” Hyunbin adds. “She’s coming from a schedule, so she’ll be a bit late.” 

“Hyunbin is a model,” Kenta offers. “Maybe you saw his advertisements?” 

“Maybe,” Insoo looks to be thinking hard. “Oh! I saw you in one of Kenta hyung’s photos. It looked like a Christmas party.”

Hyunbin nods. “That would make sense. Well, in any case, it’s nice to meet you officially. I’m sure you’ve heard that Kenta’s friends don’t know too much about you.” 

“Risa was over a few weeks ago and she let him know,” Kenta says. “Say, Hyunbinnie, do you know how Insoo and I met?”

Hyunbin snorts. “We’re all foggy on the details because it sounded like a whirlwind of love at first sight in the airport.” 

Kenta takes Insoo’s hand in his. Insoo is looking at him, his eyes shimmering with cautious hope. 

“Actually, we met back when I was here on my study abroad.”

Hyunbin’s eyes widen. “That was years ago. You knew each other for that long?” 

“Do you remember when I used to perform at drag shows? We met at one of those. I was so taken with Insoo that it never occurred to me some juvenile delinquents might be sneaking into nightclubs too young.” 

“I wasn’t a delinquent,” Insoo interrupts with a whine. 

“But you skipped school to meet me so I always thought you were older than you were so I treated you like an adult and we did some adult things together.” Kenta can feel the hairs rising on the back of his neck as he says it. He isn’t brave enough to glance at Hyunbin. “So I was upset at myself for not realizing and I tried to break things off with Insoo, but I couldn’t really. We kept in contact and when I came back, Insoo and I got together officially.” Kenta gives Insoo’s hand a squeeze. Insoo’s eyes are shining. 

“That explains why you moved in together so fast,” Hyunbin squishes his face. “That clarifies so much.” 

“I was ashamed of myself for so long about being with someone too young so I let you all believe we met for the first time when I came back. I lied. I’m sorry.” 

Hyunbin smiles. “I’m happy you’re being honest now. Does it feel good to finally get things off your chest?” 

Kenta nods and gives Insoo’s hand another squeeze. Insoo smiles at him. 

“I see my girlfriend,” Hyunbin says, peering over the heads of their fellow bar patrons. “I’m going to go get her.” 

When Hyunbin leaves the table, Insoo squeezes Kenta’s hand back. “Thank you,” he murmurs. “I know how hard…” 

“I’m not ashamed of you,” Kenta interrupts firmly. “It has never been you that I wanted to hide. I love you. I want to be with you forever, if you still want that from me. I need to be honest, and I’m going to start today. I’m not going to make you continuously forgive me for being bad to you.” 

Insoo looks like he may cry. “Hyung,” he chokes out. 

Hyunbin returns with his girlfriend. “This is Soohyun,” he says proudly. “Soohyun, this is my friend Kenta, and his boyfriend, Insoo.” 

Insoo is staring wide-eyed at Soohyun. “Hello,” he squeaks. 

“It’s nice to meet you for real,” Kenta says. “Listening to your music makes it feel like we’ve met in a way, even though we haven’t.” 

Soohyun smiles shyly. “Thank you, that’s very kind.” 

They order drinks and bar food and make small talk and Kenta has never felt more comfortable. Insoo still seems a bit starstruck by Soohyun and when she gets up to use the bathroom and Hyunbin goes to pay the bill, he whispers in Kenta’s ear.

“Hyung, I like her a lot.” Insoo whispers. “I’m a huge fan. What do I do? Can I ask for her autograph?” 

Kenta starts to laugh. “I don’t see why not. Just remember, she and Hyunbinnie are dating in secret.” 

Insoo nods and when Hyunbin and Soohyun return, Soohyun announces that she has to leave because she has early morning schedules the next day and needs to get home to sleep. 

“Can I have your autograph?” Insoo blurts.

Soohyun blinks at him as Hyunbin tries to stifle his laughter and then Soohyun smiles and nods as Insoo immediately fishes for a pen. 

 

Kenta runs into Woncheol unexpectedly while in the grocery. Kenta bows awkwardly, unsure of what to do. 

Woncheol smiles at him kindly. “Hello, Kenta sshi. I hope you’re well.” 

“I am. I hope you are too,” Kenta replies. “Insoo is doing well too. We’re on good terms again.” 

“I’m very pleased to hear it.” 

Kenta swallows dryly. “Woncheol sshi, I wanted to ask you something.” Woncheol nods. “Insoo told me that, if you were to be a couple, that if you were to ever upset Insoo, you’d tell him to move on and meet someone better and it would drive Insoo crazy. Is that true? Do you think you’d behave that way?” 

Woncheol gives a short laugh. “Insoo is right to think that way. I believe he’s correct to assume that. I think it would be hard for me to bear being the cause of Insoo’s unhappiness, but my method to make him happier would do the opposite. That way, you’re the right one for him, because you are both willing to fight for each other.” 

Kenta blinks rapidly. 

“Please make him happy, Kenta sshi. I do trust you to do that, because he loves you so dearly.” Woncheol bows and walks away. 

“I promise,” Kenta says faintly, but sincerely. 

 

Waking up beside Insoo is what Kenta decides is his favorite thing about sharing a bed with him. Insoo looks so much younger while he sleeps, so calm and untroubled by everything and Kenta finds himself feeling more tranquil as he gazes at Insoo. 

“Do you know what you still haven’t done for me?” Kenta asks petting Insoo’s hair. 

Insoo yawns widely. “What’s that?” 

“Danced for me. Do you remember when you promised to dance for me?” Kenta smiles. “I’ve seen you dance now, but I haven’t gotten that private show.” 

“Do you want me to now?” 

Kenta shakes his head. “I want to keep remembering you owe me that dance, so I can remember that there’s still more of you for me to find out about.” 

“Well if you ever change your mind,” Insoo yawns and snuggles closer. 

“Soosoo.”

“Yes, hyung?” 

“After your graduation, let’s go to Japan together. I want you to meet my parents.”

Insoo glances up at him. “You do?” 

“Of course. You’ll need to brush up on some of your Japanese, but I already know my mom is going to love feeding you.” Kenta drops a quick kiss on Insoo’s nose. “You should meet my friends too. Even if Risa and Hyunbin tell them, I’m sure they’ll still want to hear the truth from my own mouth too.” 

“I’d like that a lot, hyung.” 

Kenta smiles and brushes hair out of Insoo’s eyes. “I’m going to make you happy. I mean that.” 

“I know, hyung. I trust you.” Insoo smiles brightly and Kenta leans in and kisses him softly.

**Author's Note:**

> you can come follow me on Twitter @jy_kim8008 !!


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